


Bittersweet

by Nindemon



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fear, Fluff, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Loss, Love, Mutual Pining, Pain, Platonic Love in all it's variaty, Platonic Relationships, Romance, Shenko - Freeform, Soulmates, Tragedy, True Love, True Love's Kiss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-22
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-09-26 08:39:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 37,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9877040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nindemon/pseuds/Nindemon
Summary: "Why me?" she had asked once."You're a hero to this man and women.""I'm just a soldier like them.""You might see yourself like this… but they don't."This bond that ties us together is something the Reapers will never understand. It's more powerful than any weapon. Stronger than any ship. It can't be taken or destroyed.I'll meet you across the sea.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Mass Effect romance between Kaidan Alenko and Jane Shepard.This fic starts with the events at Horizon, but mostly takes place in ME3.Mostly written out of Kaidan's view.Warning. Spoilers ahead.





	1. Horizon

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, it's been over a year since I've written anything. It was hard to get back in to tell the truth.  
> I wanted to wait till I had more chapters ready, but I grew restless. I need opinions :)  
> I am very excited to find out what you think.
> 
> If anyone would like to beta, or help me in anyway, it would be much appriciated.

 

 

 

**To lose someone you love is the hardest thing you'll ever go through.**

**Been given a second chance is the greatest gift you'll ever receive.**

**Putting these two things together will be the greatest challenge of your live.**

**Making it work will lead to the greatest reward.**

* * *

 

 

**2185 Horizon**

“Don't let them get away!”

The grumpy mechanic shouted right into her face, pointing wildly up at the already vanishing Collector Ship above.

Shepard didn't really pay him much attention. There was nothing she could do now to stop them from kidnapping half of the people from Horizon. She couldn't afford to dwell on such things, she'd saved the other half, that had to be enough for now.

“I did what I could.” she responded shortly, letting her gaze sweep over the housings looking for something, or rather someone. The mechanic clearly caught the dismissive tone in her voice and glared openly at her.

She didn't care. She was used to people shouting at her, it happened more often than not, someone telling her “Thank you for saving my ass.” was quite a rarity. But the ones that thanked her, were more than enough to keep her going. She didn't do what she did because she was after people's approval, she did what she had to do, because she was able to. Because someone had to do it.

Some people, usually the ones who did not know her, might even go so far to call her cold hearted, especially in these kind of situation. But they didn't know that the cool behaviour she usually showed was born out of pure self preservation. Someone had to make the tough calls, even when it meant to decide who lives or dies.

It was harder for her than she'd ever let on but she endured it and kept pulling through, time and time again, that was the cost that came with being a leader. People depended on her, and her ability to make those damned decisions. She couldn't afford, not even for a minute, to let herself think of the 'What ifs'. It would destroy her, and she knew it.

“You did more than most, Shepard.” she heard Garrus reassuring voice from behind her. She flashed him a quick grateful smile. He knew, too.

“Shepard? I've heard that name before...” the mechanic looked thoughtful before realisation slowly began to dawn on him.

“Jane Shepard, Commander of the Normandy” a knew, very familiar, voice spoke up from behind the crates that lined the edges of the buildings. “First human Spectre, Saviour of the Citadel.” The tall, lean man, coming towards them went on.

Jane's heart almost skipped a beat when she heard Kaidan's voice for the first time in what had felt like an eternity, and she couldn't help the radiant smile that crept across her face when she looked straight into his handsome face with the dark thick hair and the sun-coloured eyes, she had missed him so much. Seeing him felt like coming out into the first sunlight after an endlessly cold winter.

Kaidan stopped right in front of her, a small smile tugging at the corner of his full lips when their eyes locked. Emerald green on honey gold. She could feel his dark energy buzzing right on the edges of hers, not quite touching yet, but it filled her with a kind of joy, a familiarity no one else accept another biotic could begin to understand. Every biotic field was unique. It felt different, individual, like a fingerprint of the person who owned it.

She had been waiting for this moment since she woke up, confused and hurting all over, in the Cerberus facility. She had dreamt about it for month now, there was so much she wanted to tell him.

That she had missed him, that she wouldn't know what to do without him. That he made her feel strong, unbeatable, complete. That she loved him, she'd always wanted to say it out loud but she'd never had the chance, this time...she would.

She was utterly speechless for a moment when all her, usually carefully guarded emotions for him welled up, like a crashing of waves on dry rock, tumbling and falling. Her biotics stirred wildly and threatened to rise to the surface. It took a tremendous effort from her to keep them in check and not to flare brightly in front of everyone.

She wanted to hug him, kiss him, lay in his arm, feel his touch, his warmth, his body. Seeing his reassuring smile whenever she doubted herself. She wanted desperately to tell him about everything that had happened to her, tell him about how confused she still felt after her near death experience, no, after her being dead for two years. She wanted to cuddle up in his arms and forget about all of it, to feel safe again, and loved. She needed that now, more than ever. If anyone could understand her, it would be him.

Kaidan had been the only person in the whole god damn galaxy she had ever talked to about her past. Growing up as an orphan on earth, never having a real home, never having a family to go to. It had been hard to open up to him at first, but he had always been listening, never prying to tell him more when she wasn't ready to. He had become the family she'd never known in the year they had spent serving together on the SR-1.

And finally, on the night before Ilos, they had given up pretending that they had no deeper feelings for each other. She would never forget that blissful moment when he had kissed her for the first time. It had felt like drowning in cool water after spending a week in the desert. Time had stopped for them that night. It had felt like finally coming home.

There were no words to describe the tumbling and overwhelming emotions that went through her, all at once, in the matter of a single heartbeat.

“Kaidan.” she finally managed to say in a trembling voice, putting all her love and feelings for him in the single sound of his name.

She hoped he would hear it, would understand.

“It's good to see you. How have you been?” she wanted to say more, but she was still to caught up in her emotions, trying to keep herself from visibly trembling.

As dazed as she was she didn't recognise the defensive position he took by crossing his arms over his chest.

After a long moment of silence he finally spoke.

“Is that all you have to say?” his voice was also trembling, but more with rage than anything else.

_ Wait, what? _

“I thought you were dead.” he continued speaking, not noticing her sudden confusion. “We all did. And you just show up after two years acting like nothing has happened?”

The tone of his voice and the anger beneath, wrenched her almost painfully back to reality.

She felt like a bucket of ice water had been emptied over her head. Her hand, that had already started to reach out for him, froze in mid-air.

She blinked several times, utterly confused. He stared at her with an intensity that almost cut through her.

“I thought what we had was real. I loved you Shepard.” He huffed angrily. “Thinking you were dead tore me apart. How could you do this to me?”

Jane looked stunned. You've loved me?Like, not anymore? Why are you acting like this. What is happening here?

“I-”

“Why didn't you contact me?” He broke in. “Let me know you were alive? How could you put me through this?” his voice was rising, and he was gesturing wildly.

“But-” she started again, her tongue darting out to wet her lips. She was desperately trying to figure out what was going on. Struggling to find her voice again.

This wasn't at all how she had imagined their reunion. Everything was wrong. His words cut through her like a knife, twisting and turning.

“I was clinically dead, Cerberus brought me back and-” she finally managed to explain before he interrupted her again.

“Cerberus hm? Yeah I heard about that.” he cut in again. “You're working for the enemy now.”

It wasn't a question, it was an accusation.

“You've changed Shepard, you're not the woman I used to know. The Jane I knew would never have worked for them. I don't know who you are.”

If she had thought the things he said before had hurt, it was nothing compared to the feeling of dread and loss she felt in that instant.

“I'm not working for them, I am-” she tried again, her voice faltering, a lump rising up in her throat threatening to suffocate her. Keep it together Jane!

“Don't fool yourself Shepard, of course you are.” he glared at her, actually glared.

She looked at him, eyes wide in shock. She wanted nothing more than to turn and run in that moment. This wasn't what she had expected, this was more than she could bare. She would happily fight a reaper right now, no, thousands of them, rather than see Kaidan looking at her like this. Angry, and...spiteful? No, he wouldn't.

“You know what they are like, what they have done. We've seen it. You remember Noveria? Kohoku? The experiments they did? Have you forgotten them? Or are you just too damn stupid to remember?”

That did it. How dare he talk to her like that. Her instincts finally kicked in and she drew herself up to her full height. Standing straight with her chin held high she glared back at him. Wrapping herself in the knowledge of who she was. Commander Jane Shepard, a N7, Hero of the god damned Alliance, first human fucking Spectre and skilled Adapt.

Her biotics flared and bathed her in a comforting blue corona. She saw Kaidan flinch slightly when her dark energy rolled over him, but he did not step away. He stood his ground.

“Someone had to do something about the Collector attacks, they are targeting humans specifically.”

“And that someone had to be you, of course.” his tone was mocking and he rolled his eyes.

“Yes.” she retorted angrily.”The Alliance couldn't help them, I can. And I will stop them.”

“Barely being alive again, and already having a death wish. You can't stop them on your own!” he shouted.

“I at least managed to save half the colony, and you, from being kidnapped. What did you do in the meantime?”

Kaidan's jaw tightened and she felt his biotics rising. His eyes flashed with flecks of blue for a second, and she knew she had found a sore spot.

She did not feel entirely sorry for her words, he had it coming after all, he had been the one causing her pain in the first place. That feeling lasted for almost two full seconds before she felt bad again.

“I don't work for Cerberus, I use whatever help I can get to stop them. I thought you of all people would understand.”

“I don't.”

“I see.” she said coolly.

After a moment of perpetual silence with much glaring on either side. Jane took a deep calming breath. Due to the fact that they still stood less than an arm's length away from each other, she caught his scent when she inhaled. His musky aftershave, so familiar, mingled with the faint whiff of gunpowder and eezo, and the unmistakable fragrance that was just him. Her gaze softened and she sighed. This was going nowhere, she needed to calm down and try to reason with him. Whatever his problem with her was, they could surely talk it out.

“Look Kaidan, I did not mean to hurt you. It's been a long time and I understand if you moved on-”

“I did.” he said shortly.

These two words felt like a blow to her. They hurt so much that she could swear she could hear the sound of her heart breaking, shattering, into million tiny pieces.

Something must have shown on her face, because his eyes suddenly dropped to the ground and she thought he looked guilty. When he started to turn away from her, she involuntarily reached out for him but stopped before she touched him.

“At least I thought I did.” it was almost a whisper.

The moment he turned his back on her, she felt panic rising up inside of her. She was losing him, he was leaving her, for good.

Please Kaidan, stop, listen to me, come with me. Don't...leave me behind.

“Don't go.” she pleaded, her voice finally breaking, showing the pain she thought she'd kept hidden. Jane instantly hated herself for the way that came out. Hoping no one had recognised it for what it was. She had never slipped like that before. This was his fault, it was all his fault!

“Goodbye Shepard. Take care..ok?”

“Fine, go! I don't care! I don't need you!” she shouted after him.  _ You stupid arrogant ass. You Idiot! _

 

He stopped and stiffened at her words, his shoulders slumped a little, but after a moment he went on without another word or glance.

 

Jane watched him walk away from her. She couldn’t stop her eyes from tearing up. She didn’t need  _ this _ on top of everything else. She swore she wouldn’t cry. Not for Kaidan nor anybody else. She took a deep breath and swallowed down the pain that threatened to suffocate her. She was better and stronger than this.

Miranda who had been oddly quiet during her conversation with Kaidan, came up to stand beside her.

“No loss if you ask me. He isn't a very strong biotic anyways with a old L2 Biotics amp. We are better and stronger.” Miranda mockingly shot out. 

 

Nearly echoing her own thoughts and hopes, but hearing them repeated by a Cerberus agent was the last thing she needed right now.

Jane turned on Miranda in an instant, her biotics flaring up in waves of energy. She was done with keeping them back. She was done with keeping her temper in order to match the picture of the Hero she was supposed to be. She was done with all of this. 

Her eyes light up with flecks of blue light, dancing around her iris like tiny stars and she glared at Miranda, staring her down. If she wouldn't know better, she thought she saw something like fear cross over the other woman's perfectly shaped features.

 

“Don't” was the only thing she could get out between clenched teeth.

Miranda took an involuntary step back from her and shrugged. “Whatever Shepard.” was the only thing she said in return.

“Joker. Send the shuttle. I'm done with this planet!”

“Yes Commander. Did something happen? You sound like a starving Krogan on a rampage?”

“Shut up, Joker”

 


	2. About Horizon...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That took longer than I thought. Enjoy, and let me know what you think.

 

 

**2185 The Citadel**

When Kaidan first saw Shepard stepping on board of the Normandy, he was a little disappointed. She didn't really look like the famous War hero they all had been describing to him. His comrades had obviously exaggerated.

She wasn't that tall to begin with, maybe a head or so smaller than he was. Her features were plain rather than beautiful and she had a long nasty looking silvery scar that cut across her left eyebrow and trailed down over her left eye to her cheekbone.

Her hair was of a very dark colour, almost midnight black, and he could see a few disobedient strands fall over her face and eyes when she looked down to read something on her Omnitool, as she went to meet Captain Anderson.

“This is Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko.” Captain Anderson had introduce them later. “The only other Biotic on the Ship besides you, Shepard. I think you two will get along very well.” the Captain had said, smiling at both of them.

He had blinked in surprise at that. No one had mentioned that Shepard was a Biotic, before. He knew, they were almost of the same age, and if she was a Biotic they would have met back on Brain camp for sure.

Kaidan saw the ghost of a smile cross her face, when she extended a hand to shake his. Clearly she had noticed the confusion on his face. He glanced down at her hand and then up into her eyes. The moment their eyes met for the very first time he'd entirely forgotten how to breath. Her eyes were of a deep brilliant green colour that he had never seen on anyone else before. He'd lost himself in their depths in the matter of a heartbeat.

Dimly he heard someone clear his throat beside him and he reluctantly tore his eyes away from hers to see Captain Anderson regard him with a stern expression on his face. Kaidan immediately blushed. How long had he been staring at her?What a great first impression...Alenko.

He quickly moved to shake her hand to cover his embarrassment. The moment their hands touched an electric jolt went through both of them and they shuddered in unison as their biotics flared up at the same time around them, casting the room in a faint blue light.

For an instant, they both stared at each other in shocked surprise, neither of them moving or pulling away. The feel of her biotics against his was electrifying and so intense that he almost couldn't bare it, at the same time he wished she'd never let go of his hand again.

A brilliant smile crossed her face, as if she was thinking the same and the light blue flecks of energy started dancing in her eyes like tiny fireflies in a deep green forest. How could he ever have thought she looked common...

* * *

 

Kaidan woke up suddenly in the middle of the night. He was drenched in sweat and waves of dark energy crawled along his skin. He blinked several times in confusion, looking around the unfamiliar room, trying to remember where he was. The Citadel, yes, he had arrived at the Citadel a few hours before, to meet Admiral Anderson in the morning.

He must have had another of those dreams again, he could never really remember them afterwards, but they always left him with a feeling of utter loss and confusion.

He hadn't had this dreams in months, but they had started again shortly after his meeting with Shepard on Horizon. Ever since they had met, he couldn't stop thinking about her and what he had said to her. Seeing her alive, had shocked him to the core and he knew that he had handled the situation badly.

He'd heard rumours of her being alive of course, but he hadn't believed them. Wishful thinking, he had thought, probably born out of desperation because of all the attacks on various human colonies.

It couldn't be true. She was dead, and she wouldn't return. It had taken him almost two years to accept the fact, he couldn't allow himself to believe otherwise.

Actually seeing her standing in front of him, alive and well, with that all too familiar smile on her face had been simply too much to bare. He couldn't handle all those overwhelming emotions, that suddenly welled up inside of him. And to make things even worse for him, she had been acting like the last two years hadn't happened at all, asking him 'how he had been'.

Seriously? How could she even asked such a question? Didn't she know how much he had suffered? How much he had cared for her? Why hadn't she tried to contact him? Letting him know that she was alive? Didn't she care about him? About his feelings for her?

Something had snapped inside of him at that point, and all the pain and frustration he had felt over the past two years had suddenly turned into rage. Directed at the one person he had thought he'd lost forever.

Losing her had been the hardest thing he'd ever went through. He had refused to believe it at first. He just couldn't bare the thought that he would never see those emerald green eyes of hers again, never feel the warmth of her touch or hear the sound of her voice again. But after the memorial service on earth, when he'd stood in front of the great white marble stone marking her empty grave, reading her name, written in golden letters, the truth had finally come crashing down on him, hard.

He had always assumed that losing Rahna after he had killed Vyrnnus back at BAaT was the worst that could ever happen to him, but that had been nothing compared to this.

He pushed away the unbidden memory, and got up quickly. He wouldn't be able to fall asleep again anyway, so he went into the bathroom to splash some icy water into his face and get dressed in his usual Bdu's.

* * *

 

**2185 Citadel, Praesidium Cafe later that same day.**

Anderson met Kaidan at his favourite Coffee Shop on the Citadel for an unofficial meeting. He hadn't seen the young Biotic in a while, not since Shepard had returned, and he was curious to know how the young officer was handling things so far.

Anderson knew about the relationship between Kaidan and Shepard, he had known that something was going on between them since they had first met. Not that they had ever acted inappropriately in any way, but the looks they had exchanged or the faint sizzling of energy whenever they had touched involuntarily, spoke volumes. So in fact it had been fairly obvious to everyone who knew them.

Officially he couldn't and wouldn't approve of such a relationship between Alliance Officers.

Privately he had been happy for both of them. Since he'd never had a family of his own, he had considered the Alliance his family, especially Jane and Kaidan, they had both been through a lot in life and he had always felt a special kind of responsibility for them.

So he naturally worried about the young man sitting opposite him on the table, when he watched him picking at the food on his plate. He had barely eaten anything at all, which was fairly unusual for a biotic. They were always hungry. There was something going on, and he had an idea what it might be.

“I've heard you ran into Commander Shepard on Horizon?” he asked, tentatively approaching the subject.

Kaidan dropped his fork immediately and looked up at him, confirming his suspicions, the meeting between the two of them had obviously not gone well.

“I did.” Kaidan answered his question shortly, looking down at his plate again, avoiding his eyes. “You know that she is working for Cerberus now, don't you?” a faint accusation ringing in the young man's tone.

“Yes.” Anderson replied calmly. “I've met her a few month ago, when she came here to resume her Spectre Status.”

“And you are ok with that?” Kaidan looked up at him again, Surprise written all over his face.

Anderson watched the young man closely when he answered him.“I would have preferred it if she'd returned to the Alliance, but I understand her reasons to work with them for now, as should you.” after a pause he added. “You know her better than anyone, Kaidan.”

Kaidan snorted. “I don't even know if it is really her!” He exclaimed angrily. Ahh...so this was what was bugging him. “She could be anything...” Kaidan went on, hands balled into fist on the table. “A clone, a puppet, build by Cerberus to regain excess on...whatever they are planning.”

“You've met her, do you really believe that?” Anderson asked him, recognising the rage in Kaidan for what it really was. Fear.

“How can I be sure that she is not?” Kaidan rubbed tiredly at his eyes, he didn't look like he had much sleep the night before, his rage was already fading and he looked exhausted.

“Haven't you talked to her at all?” Anderson asked him sympathetic.

“I did...it wasn't...we...” he broke off, closing his eyes. “How can you be so sure it's really her?” he asked, a hint of desperation in his voice.

“Because she did the one thing that marked her as the real Shepard when we met.” Anderson replied calmly.

“Oh? And what was that? Did she hold one of her famous capturing speeches in front of the Council?” Kaidan's tone was dripping with sarcasm.

“No.” Anderson's tone was very stern, but it softened slightly when he saw the pain in Kaidan's eyes. “The first thing she did, was asked about you.”

* * *

 

**2186 Praesidium Lake**

Kaidan was pacing up and down the railing of his favourite place on the Citadel. A secluded little haven of peace and quiet near the waterline of the Praesidium lake, surrounded by cherry-trees.

She had loved cherry-trees, said that she had seen them in a movie when she was little, a movie about a young woman becoming a soldier to save her family. She'd said that she had wanted to become a soldier to save earth and the cherry-trees, after that. He had laughed then, and kissed her.

That is probably why he had always liked to spend a little time here whenever he visited the Citadel. This place reminded him of her, not of the Commander Shepard everyone knew, but of his Jane, the woman he'd loved.

After his conversation with Anderson he needed some time to think, so he came here instead of going back to his hotel room. He stopped pacing to look over the lake, the wind rustling through the thick branches of the trees around him. He could still fix this.

He snapped on his Omnitool a started recording.

“Shepard....I'm sorry for what I've said back on Horizon...”

When he had finished recording his message he sent it to Liara T'Soni. If anyone knew where Jane was right now it would be Liara. He sighed deeply and turned around to see a familiar person standing right in front of him. A blond woman with blue eyes, the doctor he had been dating for the last few months.

“Alice?...I...How long have you been standing there?” He reached up to rub his neck in embarrassment. Had she heard his recording?

“Long enough to hear the 'nothing serious' part.” she answered calmly, stepping up to join him on the railing.

Oh shit. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...” he broke of, not knowing what to say to her.

“It's alright Kaidan, your friends have warned me about you. They said that you'd lost someone...someone special to you. I just didn't realise that she was still around somewhere. It thought she was...”

“Dead?” he finished the sentence for her. “She was...but...it's complicated.”

“Well, as far as I know, the only person who apparently returned from the dead is Commander Shepard. It's all over the news, you know.”

“Yeah, I know.” he hesitated. “Look...I didn't mean to break up with you...It's just...”

“You still love her.” it wasn't an accusation, just a simple statement.

“I...I guess...I do...I don't know. I thought I moved on, but...” he sighed deeply and pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes.

“You never stopped loving her, Kaidan. You've been calling her name in your sleep, you know.”

He looked down at her in surprise. She drew little patterns with her index finger on the cold metal of the railing, avoiding his eyes.“Why didn't you tell me?” he asked.

She shrugged. “I thought...in time...it doesn't matter now does it?” the question hung in the air above them. She glanced up at him, her blue eyes, sparkling in the sunlight. So unlike Jane's. He thought.

Alice was the complete opposite of Jane. A civilian, non biotic, doctor. She was always so gentle and caring. He could have a normal life with her, maybe even have a family. He wouldn't have to worry about her every single day when they were apart. She would be save, and waiting patiently for his return.

She was beautiful too, not as radiant as Jane when she was smiling, more subtle and calm. And her touch didn't send his biotics spiking out of control, it soothed him. She was the calm where Jane was the storm. He'd thought that this was what he needed, what he wanted...but

“I'm sorry, Alice.” was everything he could say in the end.

“I understand.” she said simply, giving him a peck on the cheek. “Be careful out there...and..good luck.”

He watched her leave, and with her all the chances of a normal life. But he felt no regrets.

* * *

 

**2186 Normandy, shortly before the arrival at the Collectors Base**

The remaining Team of the Normandy met in the Comm Room for their probably last mission briefing ever. Settling down around the large table, they talked quietly among themselves while waiting for their Commander to arrive.

Garrus looked around their little group, taking in the various expressions on his teammates faces.

The tension in the small room was almost palpable.

Grunt was apparently determined to rally himself up into a berserk state by repeating 'I am Krogan' over and over, smashing his fists together in front of his broad armoured chest to emphasize his words.

Thane on the other hand, who stood right beside the tank-bred Krogan, was silently praying to his gods.

Mordin was silently humming a low tune to himself and Tali did some last minute adjustments on her suit, while talking to Samara.

Jakob was suspiciously regarding Legend, who apparently communed with the other Geth letting out a series of low clicking sounds, checking a last time through all the information they had on the Collectors and Reapers. They all felt uneasy around the Geth, but no one dared to question Shepard's decision on taking him with them. They did trust her completely after everything she had done for them.

Shepard had build a great team out of so many different individuals and Garrus felt proud to be part of this little group.

They all knew that they were probably heading right into a disaster, the chances of success were highly unlikely and the means of survival...well, even less so. And still, everyone seemed focused and ready to face whatever they would encounter on the Collectors Base. And for once it seemed that not even Miranda and Jack were in the mood to get at each other's throats.

The only person missing right now was Shepard herself. It wasn't like her to be late and Garrus wondered what might be keeping her for so long. After waiting another couple of minutes he decided to go looking for her.

He first went up to Shepard's Cabin, but the room was dark and empty not even the bed looked like someone had slept in it for a while. He frowned slightly, where could she be?

He continued his search, looking into every room he came across, the Armoury, the Lab, the Bridge were Joker told him he hadn't seen Shepard for hours. He went down to the crew deck checking Miranda's office and the Med bay.

The Normandy was eerily quiet since everyone, except for Shepard's team and Joker, had been abducted by the Collectors and Garrus had to suppress an uncomfortable shiver, when he came out of the empty Crew Quarters. He heard a sound coming from the Starboard Observatory, a voice, and he stepped closer to the door, listening intently.

“-I'm sorry for - I said- Horizon.-”

It was Kaidan's voice he realised, barely audible through the thick door. Garrus hesitated for a moment before he finally opened the door and went inside the dark room.

“-Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?-” the voice message continued.

Garrus found Shepard sitting on the floor in front of the great glass window, listening to Kaidan's voice coming from her omni-tool.

“Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port.” Kaidan's voice continued, wavering slightly.

Garrus locked down at Shepard. She'd wrapped her arms around her knees, hugging them tightly, her chin resting on top of them and her long midnight black hair fell in soft waves over her shoulders, partially hiding her face from view. He could still make out her dark green eyes glittering wet in the soft dim light coming from the omni-tool.

She looked so lost and alone, so tiny in comparison to the vast expanse of the star littered darkness in front of her.

“You were standing in front of me, but-”

Garrus couldn't believe that he had never actually recognised how slender she was without her armour. She'd always seemed so confident and strong, unstoppable and unbreakable. Now, that he saw her sitting there, all alone in the darkness and staring into nothingness, she looked incredibly vulnerable.

“I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore.”

As he went to stand beside Shepard he could make out a small object standing in front of her feet, a framed picture, and when Garrus looked closer, he could see a dark haired young man standing in front of the old SSV Normandy. Kaidan's face was smeared with grey ash and streaks of dried blood and his armour looked badly burned in several places, but he smiled triumphantly into the camera, his brown eyes shining brightly. He was holding an, equally exhausted looking, but delightedly laughing Jane in his arms.

Garrus remembered that day clearly as if it had been yesterday, he himself had taken the picture of Kaidan and Jane after the battle against Sovereign. It's been the first time he had seen both of them show their affection for each other openly, not giving a damn care what anyone thought about it. It had been their moment alone, and despite their dishevelled looks, they'd both seemed to be unbelievably happy.

“I couldn't bear it if I lost you again, Jane.”

He glanced back at Shepard to see a single tear running down her cheek, leaving a glistening wet trail on her face. He had never seen her cry before, not even once. He immediately felt like an intruder on a very private moment. What should he do? Leave? Sit down and talk to her? Would she even want to talk to him? He really should leave her alone...But instead he settled himself down beside her.

“Shepard.” She didn't even look up at him.

“Vakarian.” her voice was very quite.

They sat there in silence for a moment listening to the message that she hadn't turned off yet.

“If you're still the woman I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks....be careful ok...I...just take care...Kaidan.”

She sighed deeply and turned off the voice-message, running a hand over her eyes.

“I'm sorry.” she said.

“For what?”

She didn't answer and he turned to look at her. She looked exhausted with deep circles under her eyes, how could he have missed this before. The sadness on her face made his heart tighten inside his chest.

“Nevermind, I just..” She glanced down at the picture, and looked away suddenly, hiding her face from him.

“You really miss him don't you.?” It was a stupid question, he knew it the moment the words left his lips.

“Yeah.” she sniffled. “I just needed to hear his voice...before we..just give me a moment, ok?”

He understood and without realising what he was doing he wrapped an arm around her slender shoulders and pulled her close.

She resisted him for a brief moment before she gave in and rested her head on his shoulder. He wasn't sure if she was crying, she didn't make a sound, but her whole body was shivering occasionally and he kept holding her, patting her shoulder awkwardly from time to time not sure what else he could do. He really wasn't good at this...

“I just wished I could have talked to him one last time.” she said after several long moments of silence. “Maybe we could have worked things out and...” she broke off. “It doesn't matter now.”

Garrus had always admired her. Even more so, since she'd literally returned from the dead. But in that moment, he finally realised that Shepard wasn't the invincible and unbreakable hero everyone thought she was. He felt guilty for not seeing how much she had been hurting all this time since Horizon.

She was neither invincible nor unbreakable, she was just a human being, a woman, doing everything she could to stop the Reapers from returning. Even if it meant to work with the enemy to accomplish that and, by doing so, lose the one person she loved more than anything. He respected her even more for it, and he would follow her to hell and back if necessary.

“Thank you.” she whispered after a while.

“Anytime, Jane.” he whispered back, squeezing her shoulder reassuringly. “That's what friends are for, right?.”

“Right.” She nodded and moved to get up.

He saw her reaching for the little picture on the floor, glancing at it one more time before she pulled it out of it's frame and placed it in a small pocket right above her heart. She straightened then, and he could see the familiar look of determination returning to her eyes and face.

“Ready to kick some asses, Commander?” Garrus asked her, still a little unsure.

“Oh hell yeah.”she grinned, flexing her hands and letting a rush of dark energy wash over her body. “They never see me coming.” and with that she strode purposefully out of the room, wisps of blue energy trailing after her, acting like nothing had happened.

Garrus watched her go, blinking in surprise of her sudden change of behaviour. He shook his head and went after her. Humans, they just never stopped to amaze him.

 


	3. The Reapers attack..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're ready for some action.

**2186 Vancouver, Alliance Headquarters.**

 

“Kaidan?”

 

Major Alenko turned around to see his father standing in front of him. Although Commander Alenko was well beyond his 50's, with grey streaks of hair in his otherwise black curls, he still looked very impressive in his Alliance uniform.

 

“Dad? What are you doing here?” Kaidan asked his father. Surprised to see him, especially in his Uniform.

 

“I've been summoned here. Something big is going on, otherwise the Alliance wouldn't have called me.” The Commander replied in a slightly worried tone. “And your mom wanted me to check on you. She's worried about you, you know. You've been awfully distracted since Commander Shephard arrived back on Earth to hand herself over to the Alliance. ”

 

Kaidan nodded absently, remembering dimly the time after Shepard's dead three years ago. He'd fallen into a deep depression, and his family had been the only thing keeping him from losing his mind completely in those dark hours.

 

“Well...I had a lot to think about. The Defence Comity needed me to testify on Shepard's character. They asked me a lot of questions about her, to determine if she is trustworthy or not, due to her recent work with Cerberus.”

 

“And? What do you think?” Commander Alenko crossed his arms over his broad chest, raising an eyebrow in question.

 

Kaidan sighed, uncertainty written all over his face. “I don't know...I...I don't know _who_ she is anymore...” He concluded lamely. “The Commander Shepard I knew died almost 3 years ago. This woman certainly _looks_ like Jane and...well...considering the fact that she just destroyed the Collectors Base single handedly _and_ stole the Normandy from Cerberus to return it to the Alliance is fairly typical for the woman _I_ knew...” _and loved._ “But how can I be sure? She could be anyone, or anything for that matter.”

 

“Did you talk to her at all since she...'turned up' again?”

 

“Yeah...kind of...we meet on Horizon...but things...didn't go very well...and I haven't heard from her since...so.”

 

“You should go talk to her then..and figure out for yourself.”

 

“I wanted to but...” she hadn't answered his voicemail or contacted him in anyway. Not even after she had returned back to Earth, six month ago. He knew he'd messed things up pretty badly back there, but the radio silence between them, spoke louder than words. He must have really hurt her that day.

 

“Are you afraid of her?” his father asked in mocked surprise.

 

“No of course not, It's just that-” how could he explain this without sounding like the greatest idiot on Earth. “I don't think she wants to see me.”

 

“And why would that be?” his father asked him.

 

“I said things I shouldn't have...and now she is really mad it me I think...and..”

 

“Did you try to apologize?”

 

“I send her a message-”

 

“Son.” His father interrupted him. “The woman you loved is right here, sitting in a cell for six month, and everything you did in the mean time, was sending her a message?”

 

“Actually I send it before she arrived here...” his voice trailed off, when he recognised the people around him suddenly burst into motion. There definitely was something going on.

 

Fate, of course, chose that exact moment for Shepard to appear at the end of the hall accompanied by Admiral Anderson and a Soldier he didn't recognise. Her hair was cut shorter than it had been month before, but it still kept falling into her eyes whenever she moved her head.

 

Jane was listening intently to something Anderson said but Kaidan couldn't hear what they were talking about. Commander Alenko's eyes followed those of his son. She looked good. Kaidan thought. The scars on her cheeks he'd seen last time had vanished, except the one that crossed over her left eye. He remembered trailing that scar with his finger tips once. He liked it, it made her...her.

 

Kaidan felt his father's hand on his shoulder. “You've been given a second chance, son. Don't waste it.” his father advised him.

 

Kaidan nodded once towards his father, before he went over to the little group, not sure of what to say to her. Anderson spotted him and left Shepard behind, to meet him halfway.

 

“Admiral.” Kaidan greeted the older man respectfully, his eyes involuntarily travelling back to Shepard. She hadn't seen him yet.

 

“Major Alenko.” Anderson said, following his gaze back to Shepard.

 

When she heard his name, she turned around. Her green eyes found his and he felt a familiar tingling in his stomach at the sight of them.

 

“Major?” she asked walking up to stand beside Anderson.

 

“You hadn't heard?”Anderson asked in surprise.

 

“No, I hadn't.” she eyed Kaidan for a moment. “Congratulations Major Alenko.” she said stiffly, her eyes looking as hard as stone. She clearly was mad at him.

 

“Sorry Shepard, it's been...well.” he didn't know what else to say. Not in front of so many people.

 

“It's ok..don't mention it Kaidan.” she said dismissively, still the sound of his name coming from her lips send a shiver down his spine. But before he could say anything else a woman approached them.

 

“Admiral. The Comity is ready to see you now.”

 

Admiral Anderson went to follow the woman, but Shepard didn't move immediately to join them. She just stood there, looking as if she wanted to say something.

 

“It's good to see you.” he said softly when they were alone, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had spread between them.

 

She looked up at him with a look of surprise on her face, and her eyes softened slightly. What? Did she think he would start yelling at her again?

 

She opened her mouth to say something, but before she could do so her name was called from the entrance to the court chamberers, and she looked over his shoulder at the people waiting for her.

 

“Talk to you later?” she asked, and the uncertainty in her voice made him wince inwardly.

 

“Of course” he answered, flashing her a reassuring smile.”I'll be here.” This time, he wouldn't turn away from her, and he wanted her to know that. “I'll be waiting.”

 

She smiled at him and her face lit up immediately, making her look even more beautiful than he'd remembered. He almost reached out to brush away a strand of black hair that partially covered one of her eyes, but before he could do so she'd rushed past him to join Admiral Anderson at the door to the court room.

 

He watched her go, when the Soldier he'd seen talking to her approached him.

 

“You know the Commander?” the man asked him.

 

“I used to” Kaidan answered evasively, without taking his eyes from her until she vanished into the room on the other side of the hall. Maybe things weren't so bad as he had thought.

 

“Oh...you're the guy from the picture.” the soldier exclaimed suddenly, pointing at Kaidan. “That's why she acts so weird around you.”

 

Kaidan raised his eyebrows. “Picture?”

 

“Nevermind.” The man said, slapping him hard on the back. “I'm Lieutenant James Vega.” the man introduced himself, holding out a hand to Kaidan.

 

But before Kaidan could return the gesture, the sky outside began to darken, and he could hear screams coming from the streets below.

 

“What the..” he heard James mutter running to the large window at the end of the hall. Kaidan joined him. Looking out the window beside James he couldn't believe what he was seeing in the first couple of seconds. He could do nothing else than watch in growing horror when the first Reaper descended down from the sky above the city. Followed by another and another. There were _dozens_ of them suddenly appearing all over the city of Vancouver.

 

The ground shock violently underneath their feet when an explosion hit the building they were in. And he and James were thrown of their fleets, tumbling and falling over each other while bits and pieces of the stone ceiling rained down on them.

 

Kaidan got up quickly and attempted to run to the door of the court room, but a strong hand on his shoulder kept him back, right before the roof above the door began to collapse. _Fuck, no!_

 

“Jane!” he screamed in sudden desperation and dread.

 

“We need to get out of her, Major.” he heard Vega shout into his ear over the noise of the already collapsing building. The man was right, of course, but it took every bit of his self control to turn his back on the rubble laying before the door where Jane had vanished only moments before.

 

....

 

Kaidan and James ran down the corridors of the Alliance Headquarters, side by side. Searching for a way out of the collapsing building. Soldiers were everywhere, running up and down the halls completely confused. No one had seen _this_ coming. _Why hadn't there be a warning form Admiral Hackett? Where was their fleet? Had they already been destroyed? So soon?_

 

A crackling noise wrenched him out of his line of thoughts and he heard a familiar voice coming from a radio nearby.

 

“Here is Admiral Anderson, report in...can anyone hear me?”

 

“Anderson!” Kaidan, grabbed the radio immediately. “Are you alright?”

 

“Major Alenko is that you?” he heard Anderson's crackling voice over the radio. “What's your status?”

 

“Lieutenant Vega and I are on our way out of the building, Sir. Where are you? What's going on?” _Is Shepard with you? Is she save?_

 

Obviously sensing his unspoken question, Anderson answered: “Shepard and I are on the roof top. We can't reach the Normandy. You have to contact them. We meet you at the landing zone. Anderson out.” Relieve was spreading through him. She was alive.

 

He looked at Vega who nodded once, and then they both started to run towards the entrance ahead of them, collecting a pair of Assault Rifles from two dead guards on their way out into the streets.

 

The destruction that greeted them when they came finally out of the building, was devastating. Both soldiers stopped dead in their tracks, stunned into immobility for a moment,when they took in the scene playing out in front of them.

 

People were screaming, running up and down the street, chased by hideous looking creatures. Husks were _everywhere_ , climbing over rubble or up the walls of the buildings, attacking everything that moved.

 

Kaidan watched horrified when a herd of husks took down an entire group of civilians on the street ahead of him. Women, children, everyone dead within a few seconds.

 

“We need to move.” he heard Vega's shout coming from behind the rubble he had used as cover. He was already sending several rounds of bullets toward the waves of enemies in front of them. “Could you lend me a hand here?”

 

Kaidan saw the large herd of husks heading their way, but instead of shooting at them with his rifle he turned on his biotics. He was so enraged by the things he had seen, that his usually dark blue corona lit up in a blinding light around him. Bullets just wouldn't do to satisfy his need of action, his need of revenge. He would _rip_ them apart one by one if necessary, for _daring_ to invade his planet, his home town.

 

He released a huge Shockwave of dark energy, sending the Husks flying in every direction. Vega let out a low whistle of appreciation, the edges of the Shockwave had thrown him to the ground “Nicely done, Major.”

 

“Call me, Kaidan.” Kaidan said, reaching out a hand to help the soldier back to his feet. Vega took his hand and stood up, smiling broadly.

 

“Alright, Kaidan. Let's get to the Normandy. A certain 'damsel in distress' needs rescuing.” he grinned down at him.

 

“I wouldn't say that.” Kaidan ginned back. “She is pretty good in getting herself out of trouble.”

 

“Oh yeah, but the Commander is even better in getting herself _into_ trouble, than out of it. Let's not risk it.”

 

“You've noticed?” Kaidan said dryly and Vega laughed shaking his head.

 

They moved on cautiously. Vega fighting with his rifle and bare hands, if necessary. That man was a machine. Kaidan relied almost completely on his biotics, saving his ammo for later. It was slow going, but they eventually reached the space port where the Normandy was docked.

 

“Major, do you read me?” Anderson's voice drifted out of the radio in Kaidan's ear.

 

“Yes, Admiral” he replied while sending one of the creatures the Reapers had unleashed on them flying high into the air.

 

“I'm patching in Shepard.” the Admiral went on.

 

“Kaidan?” he heard her familiar sweet voice coming over the radio and his heart skipped a beat. He dropped the flaying husk he'd still held up in the air, and it crashed to the ground making an ugly splashing noise. “Where are you?” she asked, sounding worried. Was she really worried about him? Did she still care about him? The way he still cared about her?

 

“We are almost at the Normandy, I have Lieutenant Vega with me, we're taking heavy fire, but we'll be there soon.”

 

He heard a series of gunshots coming over the radio and the growling of Husks. “We're out of ammo, please hurry.” she sounded desperate.

 

“Don't worry Shepard. I'm coming for you.” he hadn't really meant to say the last part out loud, but the desperation he'd heard in her voice made him worry about her even more. The look Vega gave him made him blush, thankfully another wave of enemies engaged them at this point.

 

They finally reached the Normandy under heavy fire. “Joker!” Kaidan yelled over the sound of explosions coming from every side. “Joker can you hear me? Open the door!”

 

“Kaidan?” Joker's voice came over the omni-tool on his wrist. “Is that you?”

 

“Yes...now open that fucking door, we're getting roasted out here!”

 

“Is Shepard with you?” Joker asked, when the door to the Normandy started to open.

 

“No, we need to get her.” Kaidan rolled out of his cover and ran over to the entrance of the ship, James following him hot on his heels. Kaidan let him pass, and threw up a barrier to give them at least some cover, while James opened fire on the approaching Cannibals and Husks.

 

“Major Alenko, we're in sight of the space port. ETA 3 minutes.” he heard Anderson's voice speaking up over the radio.

 

“We made it to the Normandy, taking heavy fire-..Oh god” Kaidan broke of suddenly looking up at the sky when the Normandy started to move away from the dock. There was a huge Alliance dreadnought right above them, engaging an enormous black Reaper. The ominous red laser of the Reaper already finding it's target. They never had a chance. It sliced through the ship like a hot knife through butter.

 

“A Reaper just destroyed a dreadnought over us. I can't-.” the explosion was enormous, a blinding white light erupted from the dreadnought and Kaidan had to cover his eyes.

 

“Major? Major!...Kaidan!” he heard Anderson's voice calling for him.

 

The following Shockwave ripped him and Vega of their feet's, and both crashed hard into the airlock of the Normandy, while the ship was wavering in every direction by the immense force crashing against it. And Kaidan's world went black.

 

....

 

“Kaidan? Kaidan wake up.”

 

Kaidan opened his eyes to see directly into Joker's face hovering above him.

 

“What happened.” he asked, trying to get up, but feeling immediately dizzy as soon as his head left the ground.

 

“You took a nasty hit on the head. Just stay down for another minute or two and give the medi-gel some time to work.” Joker replied, already getting back up.

 

“If you are here, who is flying the ship right now?” Kaidan asked him in confusion. They were flying weren't they?

 

“Edi took over for a minute so I could patch you up. James carried you inside and went down into the Hangar, getting ready for some more fighting.” Joker explained.

 

“Who is Edi?” Kaidan asked, still fighting with the dizziness in his head.

 

“Greetings Major Alenko, how are you feeling?” a female voice asked him, coming from the ship itself it seemed.

 

“Ah, they gave the Normandy a VI.” Kaidan finally managed to sit up. He hesitated when he saw the evasive look on Joker's face and frowned. “Joker?” he asked suspiciously.

 

“Yeah...Edi, isn't exactly a VI.” Joker admitted.

 

“Jeff, do you think it's wise to tell the Major about this?” Edi asked him.

 

“I know, but he is a lot smarter than he looks like, better tell him now...” Joker looked down at him with a mischievous grin on his face. “..when nobody is around to stop us from dropping him out of the airlock, in case he's up to causing trouble.”

 

“Shepard wouldn't like that very much.” Edi put in.

 

“Shepard wouldn't know, would she? It could be our little secret, wouldn't that be nice Edi?”

 

Was that just him, or was Joker actually flirting with this thing?

 

“Speaking of her, have you heard from them? Where are they?” Kaidan asked.

 

“I don't know.” Joker became serious again. “Contact broke of when we got hit by that Shockwave.”

 

“Normandy. This is Anderson do you read?” they both turned around, when they heard Anderson's voice coming out of the cockpit.

 

“Speak of the devil. Joker remarked limping over to the console, but Kaidan beat him to it.

 

“Admiral? What's your location?” Kaidan asked, while Joker sat down in his chair beside him.

 

“By a downed gunship in the harbour. I'm activating it's distress beacon. Send support we've got wounded out here.”

 

Wounded? “Is Shepard alright?” Kaidan needed to ask, but the connection had already broken up.

 

“Don't worry Kaidan, I've got the signal. We'll be there soon.”

 

“I'm joining James in the Hangar.” Kaidan said, already on his way out of the Cockpit.

 

….

 

Jane crouched low behind a piece of rubble, ejecting her last thermal clip. She was out of ammo, and by the look on Anderson's face, he was too.

 

“Hope they get here soon.” he said, searching the sky for a sign of the Normandy. Still nothing.

 

“You and me both.” she replied sending a Shockwave towards the advancing creatures. He'd said he would come for her. And she'd believed him.

 

“Kaidan where are you?” she whispered under her breath, sending another wave of biotic energy over the rubble. She'd caught a few Husks and send them flying high into the air.

 

“Cavalry has arrived.” She heard Joker's voice over the radio.

 

She smiled. They had come.

 

“About time.” she replied, grinning broadly.

 

“Let's go.” she heard Anderson from her left, and they both set off at a dead run towards the Normandy.

 

The Hangar door opened wide and she could see Kaidan and James appear behind it, both armed with Assault Rifles, ready to fire. There was still a good distance between the end of the piece of metal she was climbing and the ship, so she didn't stop running and jumped the rest of the way.

 

She stumbled and nearly lost her balance threatening to drop down over the edge and into the water below. And then, Kaidan was there, catching her arm and pulling her up. She tumbled against him and he quickly wrapped an arm around her waist to steady her.

 

It was the first time they'd actually touched, since...her dead. And it felt so incredibly right to be so close to him again. And for one second, just one, she closed her eyes and leaned into him, resting her head against his chest and breathing in his scent.

 

Then she pulled away again, and he let go of her immediately.

 

“Welcome aboard, Shepard.” he said, and she could swear that his voice was trembling slightly.

 

“Thank you.” she replied without looking at him.

 

“Shepard” Anderson called and she turned to face him.

 

“Come on. We need to leave.” she called back.

 

“I'm not going.” he told her firmly. “You saw those man back there, there are a millions like them, and they need a leader.”

 

“We're in this together Anderson, if you stay, I stay.” she said stubbornly.

 

“No. You're leaving.” he said sternly. “I need you out there, send me every fleet, every ship you can get. We can't win this fight....not alone. I'm counting on you, if you can't find us allies, no one can.”

 

“I don't even know where to start.” she objected.

 

“Talk to the Council, convince them to help us.”

 

“What if they won't listen, they never listen to me. I tried that before.”

 

“Then make them listen! Now go, that's an order!”

 

“I don't take orders from you anymore, remember?”

 

He rummaged in his pocket and threw something at her. She caught the small object with her left hand. Her dog tags? She looked up at Anderson in surprise.

 

“Consider yourself reinstated, Commander. Now leave!”

 

“This isn't fair.” she said, feeling a lump rise up in her throat. She wanted to stay, she wanted to _fight_.

 

“I know.” Anderson said, glancing at Kaidan he added. “But you won't be alone.”

 

“I'll be back for you, I swear. And I'll bring every fucking fleet in that god damned universe with me. You'll see.” she promised him fiercely, unbidden tears welling up in her eyes.

 

Anderson flashed her a proud smile before he turned and walked away. She watched him go and although she didn't want to leave, she knew he was right. They couldn't win this war alone. And she be damned if she didn't come back with the largest army this world has ever seen.

 

She turned around to see Kaidan standing not far from her, watching the destruction of the City below, with a sad expression in his eyes. It must be even harder for him, she suddenly realised. She knew he had grown up in Vancouver, and his family still lived here.

 

A sudden wave of sympathy welled up inside of her and she walked over to him. Without any hesitation, without even think of it, she put an arm around his waist and rested her head on his shoulder.

 

He didn't take his eyes off the burning city in front of him, but he placed an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close.

 

They both watched helplessly when a Reaper came crawling like a giant bug around the corner of a skyscraper, destroying two Alliance vessels with civilians on board. Shooting them right out of the sky, like a giant would squash a fly.

 

Jane buried her face in his chest, hugging him tightly, no longer able to watch the destruction. Kaidan wrapped both arms around her, holding her close and placing a kiss to the crown of her head. It was such an intimate gesture, that she clung to him even harder, like he was the only thing that kept her from falling apart. She could feel his dark energy envelope both of them, like a soothing blanket, soft and warm.

 

It didn't matter what had happened between them before. The only thing that mattered, was that he was here, with her. It was a moment of peace between them, while the war kept raging on all around them.

 

And then the door of the Normandy closed and the moment was gone.

 

 


	4. Losing control...

**On Mars**

 

“Shit, they're executing them” James exclaimed opening fire on the hostile group before them.

 

Jane barley had time to react before the Cerberus troops returned the fire but managed to jump behind a crate beside the street.

 

“James! For God's sake!”

 

“Sorry Shepard, didn't want them to get away with it.” he didn't sound sorry at all.

 

She glanced over to Kaidan, who was hiding behind another crate on the opposite site of the street. She caught his eye and he nodded, his biotics springing to live around him.

 

Jane took in a deep breath preparing a glowing blue ball of pure energy in her hand and threw it at the nearest enemy at the same time as Kaidan send a Reave toward the merc standing next to her target.

 

Between them, the two Biotics send Shockwaves, Singularity's, Reaves and Warps against the heavily armed men before them, They took them out one by one in perfect coordination without speaking a single word. They didn't need to, they new exactly where the other one would strike next.

 

It was perfect, thrilling and so familiar to fight beside Kaidan again, that she couldn't help the stupid grin forming on her face.

 

When it was over, they looked at each other and she could see by the way the corners of his eyes crinkled that he was also smiling.

 

“Damn!” James said to both of them. “Between the two of you, I feel useless.... Next time, leave at least one or two for me, ok?”

 

“You said you didn't want them to get away!” she chirped in a sort of singsong voice.

 

James chuckled. “Yeah..I did.” becoming serious again he added.”Those guys were Cerberus, weren't they?”

 

“Sure looked like it.” she answered, going over to one of the dead mercs, she examined the insignia on his armour. “Definitely Cerberus.” she confirmed.

 

“Cerberus? What are they doing here on Mars?” Kaidan asked.

 

“Good question.” she answered, taking cover behind a Cerberus vessel, observing the entrance of the Mars archive.

 

“You don't know?” Kaidan asked her.

 

Did he honestly think she was still working with them? _Seriously_?

 

“I'm not with them anymore, Kaidan. If that's what you're asking.” she stated in a clipped tone of voice.

 

“It wasn't.” he retorted quickly. ”But you have to admit it's a bit...convenient.”

 

Jane stared at him for a long moment. How could he think she had anything to do with this? She decided not to answer to this, starting a fight now wouldn't do them any good. They could discuss this _after_ the mission.

 

Apparently _he_ did not want to wait until after the mission. As soon as she closed the door to the airlock he confronted her.

 

“Shepard I need a straight answer.” Kaidan demanded.

 

Jane sighed inwardly, she really didn't want to talk about it now. But it seemed that he wouldn't let it go. She turned her back on him, trying to find a way to explain things without actually starting a fight.

 

“Kaidan...” she began.

 

“Don't “Kaidan” me Shepard. This is business.” he interrupted her... _again_. Why did he keep on interrupting her _every_ attempt to explain _anything_. God damn, when had he developed _this_ annoying habit.

 

“Do you know anything about why Cerberus is here?”

 

She breathed in deeply. _Stay calm, Jane. Stay calm._

 

“Answer me Jane!” he demanded.

 

She'd had enough. All these accusations and mistrust directed against her since she allied herself with Cerberus. Hadn't she done enough to show that she was _not_ like them? She couldn't take it anymore...not from him.

 

Jane turned on him in an instant, facing him directly. “Why would I know anything about this? What makes you think-”

 

“You worked for them for god's sake. How am I not supposed to think that?” he broke in.

 

“Stop interrupting me, Kaidan!” she burst out, and he took an involuntary step back from her when her biotics flared up around her. _There_ he did it! Now she _was_ shouting at him. Great!

 

“How am I supposed to give you a straight answer if you're not listening?” she went on. “Let me make this clear. I am _not_ working for them. I never _worked_ for them. I took what they gave me to stop the Collectors. _I_ used _them_ , not the other way around, Kaidan!”

 

“There is more to it. They rebuild you from the ground up. They-” he argued, his voice also rising.

 

“Yes they did, so what?” Now it was her turn to interrupt him. “It takes _much_ more to win my loyalty. _You_ of all people should know _me_ better than this!” she spat at him.

 

The light above them turned from red to green and the airlock was flooded with oxygen. And before he could say anything more she turned away from him, ripping her helmet off and throwing it into a corner. She was so angry with him, so fed up with his suspicions and accusations she could barley keep a hold on herself.

 

“I'm sorry Shepard, it's just that-” he tried to apologize, but she wouldn't let him.

 

“No!” she interrupted him again, whipping around to confront him again.

 

He'd also taken his helmet off and she could see his eyes clearly now. Those damn golden eyes of his. And something snapped in her.

 

“Have you any _idea_ how it felt like waking up, alone and hurting all over, not knowing what had happened or where you are? Only to find out that _two years_ had passed, while you were...asleep?” _while you were...dead.._

 

Kaidan didn't answer her question, he just kept looking at her with an unreadable expression on his face, so she went on, now that he was finally listening.

 

“Have you _any_ idea how it felt like, to have the people you trusted most turn their backs on you, because you've been gone for two _fucking_ years?”

 

He swallowed hard, but stayed quiet.

 

“Have you _any_ idea how _it_ felt like, floating in space, slowly running out of air until....until...” her voice trailed off, she hadn't talked about it to anyone yet, but she _remembered_ dying. She remembered the burning of her lungs when she'd tried desperately to breath in air that wasn't there anymore. The panic she'd felt when she realised she was running out of time, that there was no way she could be saved. She'd still kept struggling, fighting, holding on to live....until her body went limp and dark spots had blurred her vision. The last thing she'd seen had been Kaidan's face and then...she'd let go.

 

“I'm _done_ explaining myself to you, Kaidan.” she finally got out, her voice breaking.

 

The elevator started moving and she went to retrieve her helmet, suddenly feeling very tiered and empty. Her hands were shacking violently, and she needed a moment to fight off the remaining memories of that...horrible day. Thankfully no one spoke until the elevator came to a stop on the floor above.

 

When she finally moved to step of the elevator, she felt a hand on her shoulder and the familiar buzzing of biotics against hers. She half turned, not looking up at Kaidan. She didn't want to see his face right now.

 

“Jane, I'm sorry...” he began.

 

She started to turn away again but he wouldn't let her. Why couldn't he leave her alone. Damn it.

 

“I didn't meant to-.”

 

They both tensed up when they heard a loud noise coming from the ventilation shaft overhead. The shaft broke open and someone dropped to the floor, closely followed by Cerberus man. They had no time to react, but they didn't need to. They watched, stunned, as the first person turned to take out her pursuers expertly, before she whipped around to face them.

 

“Liara?..that you?” Shepard asked in surprise, the smile that crossed the other woman's face was answer enough.

 

....

 

“Shepard, I found something.” Kaidan called over his shoulder.

 

“What have you got?” he heard her voice coming from behind him.

 

“He's got a transmitter in his helmet, if I can... _Fuck_!” he drew back instantly from the sight and smell in front of him. It was grotesque to say the least. “He looks like a husk.” he said, trying not to breath in the foul smell coming from the 'thing'.

 

“Yeah, not quite, but they've definitely done _something_ to him.” Shepard replied, crouching down beside him to examine the, once, human being.

 

“And by _they_ , you mean Cerberus? How could they _do_ this to one of their own?” he tried to keep his tone neutral. He really didn't want to start a fight with her again, not after...

 

“Looks like it.” she said absently, still examining the...thing.

 

“Is this what they did to you?” He couldn't stop himself from asking, and he knew immediately that this was a mistake by the way her shoulders stiffened and her green eyes flashed with a spark of blue light.

 

“How can you even compare me to this thing?” she asked incredulously, getting back to her feet in one swift motion.

 

“Shepard, I don't know _what_ you are. Or who...not since Cerberus rebuilt you.” he tried to explain. Poorly it seemed, because she kept glaring down at him flecks of blue still dancing in her eyes.

 

“For all I know you could be their puppet, controlled by the Illusive man himself.”

 

She looked so shocked that he instantly felt bad for saying these things out loud in the first place. _Why_ couldn't he just keep his mouth shut?

 

He sighed deeply, getting back up to his feet. “I just want to know if the person I followed through hell and back, the person I...are you still in there...somewhere?”

 

“This is _me_ , Kaidan.” she said imploringly, her eyes softening. “They didn't change _me_ , nor the way I feel...nothing has changed.”

 

“Everything has changed.” he replied stubbornly.

 

“Not for me.”

 

He had the feeling that there was more behind these words, much more. But before he could ask her what she'd meant, she'd turned away from him.

 

“Come on, let's see what Cerberus is up to.”

 

Later, he thought. Later he would ask her about it, about everything.

 

.....

 

“She's got the data!” Kaidan yelled, struggling to get to his feet.

 

“Got it.” he heard Shepard yell back and before he knew it she'd rushed past him in hot pursuit of Dr. Eva.

 

Despite the fact that he was in very good shape, he had a hell of a hard time to keep up with the two woman. Damn they were fast. He lost sight of them several times during their chase. On the roof top he finally managed to catch up a little, but he still wasn't fast enough, not by a long shot.

 

Jane was right behind Dr. Eva, jumping or sidestepping every obstacle in her way, like a damn rabbit. She even managed to shoot at the fleeing doctor a few times. How the hell did she do that? Kaidan thought feeling winded. That woman was a well of endless surprises to him.

 

“She's getting away!” Jane yelled. When Kaidan looked up he could see Dr. Eva jump into a Cerberus shuttle, the door closed right behind her and the shuttle took of immediately. _Fuck._

 

“James! Normandy! Anybody! Stop them!” he heard Jane yell in frustration.

 

“I got this one!” he heard Vega's voice over the radio. He glanced up just in time to see the Kodiak flying straight at the retreating Cerberus shuttle.

 

 _Oh no_. He wouldn't...

 

Kaidan sprang into action before he'd even finished the thought. He barely reached Jane before the two shuttles collided just above their heads. He flung himself against Shepard knocking her to the ground, at the same time he threw up his barrier around the both of them.

 

He cowered over her, bracing himself on his arms on either side of her head in an attempt not to crush her with his weight. The Cerberus shuttle crashed down close beside them, showering them with bits and pieces of burning metal. He could see her dark green eyes through the glass of her visor, looking at him with an unreadable expression. He kept shielding her from the falling debris all around them, even when a larger piece of metal hit his barrier right at his back, making him wince slightly with the effort of keeping it up. His energy was fading quickly, he hadn't used it like this in quite some time.

 

She obviously noticed this too, because her arms wrapped around him and she pulled him close to her. She let her biotics ran through him the moment they touched. It felt...indescribable. The surge of raw power racing through his veins was pure...ecstasy. _God ,_ how much he had _missed_ this feeling... _her._.. _everything_. He opened his eyes again, he wasn't even aware that he had closed them.

His eyes found hers and if it wasn't for the helmets keeping them apart, he would have kissed her right then and there.

 

She smiled up at him. “You..alright?” she asked, sounding a little breathless. He wanted to answer but he couldn't speak, still too caught up by the feeling of her dark energy. She let go off him then and the surge of energy stopped immediately, leaving only a faint tingling on his skin.

 

He reluctantly got up to his feet, already missing the contact. He reached out a hand to help her up. She took it and he felt another wave of energy go through him, softer this time, more like the wings of a butterfly on bare skin. God, this woman would be the death of him.

 

“That was a hell of barrier back there, Major.” they heard James shout over to them from the Kodiak. “Thought you two were screwed.”

 

“You almost killed us with that stunt of yours.” Kaidan yelled back at him. “Don't ever do that again!”

 

“What? Throw a shuttle at you? Naaah...that's a 'once in a live time kind of thing'.” he replied with a dismissive wave of his hand.

 

“Glad to hear that.” Jane spoke up beside him sounding amused.

 

“Are you two alright?” Liara, who had finally caught up to them, asked sounding out of breath. “That was-...Watch out!” she suddenly yelled.

 

They heard a loud clang, and the door of the burning shuttle beside them flew open. A figure appeared amidst the flames. Kaidan blinked once, not sure if he had a hallucination. Dr. Eva, a metallic gleam reflecting the flames where once was skin stood right in front of them.

 

“What the-” Kaidan reacted immediately, sending both, Liara and Shepard, with a push of his biotics flying out of the way. He stepped in front of the woman, drawing his heavy pistol in one smooth motion and immediately began to shoot at the already advancing..robot?

 

His bullets just kept bouncing of the 'thing' in front of him and before he knew it, she had reached him, slapping the gun out of his hands, like it was a toy, and grabbing him with one metallic hand right in front of his helmet. She lifted him of the ground, effortlessly, like he weighted nothing at all.

 

Kaidan's hands came up to grab the wrists of this 'thing', trying desperately to free himself. Something cracked inside his helmet and he felt a sharp pain run through his head and down his spine. He heard Jane cry out his name in fear, and he redoubled his efforts to get free of that thing.

 

Before he new it, Dr. Eva hauled him around and smashed him into the side of the Cerberus shuttle. A blinding pain erupted inside of him and his vision blurred., his body went limp and shadows danced around his eyes. He barely felt the second impact.

 

Kaidan crumpled on the ground, the last thing he remembered was a blinding white light and a scream filled with fear and rage.

 

_Jane...._

 

.....

 

 

Jane was flung against the Kodiak, feeling the air being pushed out of her lungs by the impact. _What the hell_! Why did he do _that_? She was perfectly capable of dealing with a crazy robotic... whatever thing by herself. She didn't need him to prote-...

 

She felt the blood rushed right out of her face the moment she caught sight of Kaidan being lifted into the air like a puppet by Dr. Eva.

 

“Kaidan!” she screamed, scrambling back to her feet and drawing her pistol in the process.

 

She aimed it at Dr. Eva, but couldn't get a clear shot from this angle. “Let him go!” she commanded as an icy calm washed over her, steadying her trembling hand and enhancing all of her senses at once.

 

She watched intently as Dr. Eva turned her head to look at her once, before she reached up with her free hand to activate her earpiece. “Orders?” she heard Dr. Eva say.

 

“I just gave you an order.” Jane said in a deadly calm voice, sidestepping the woman in front of her so she could get a better aim at that her. “I said, Let-him-go.”she repeated her words from before

 

“Understood.” Dr. Eva said, obviously not talking to Jane.

 

Dr. Eva turned so quickly that Jane had no time to react, she had to watch helplessly when the former woman smashed the still struggling Kaidan with an incredible force into the burning shuttle. She saw Kaidan shudder once before he went limp.

 

“NO!” she heard her own voice coming from far away, crying out in desperation, when Eva pulled Kaidan back to smashed him into the shuttle a second time. When she finally let go if him he sank unmoving to the ground.

 

_No...Kaidan...No no no no..._

 

A blinding rage filled her and she screamed like she had never screamed before. Dark energy erupted around her, filling her, dancing around her in waves and the world turned lightning blue before her eyes.

 

She heard voices calling out to her, but she ignored them.

 

Taking a step towards the woman in front of her, she lifted a flaming hand, pointing it directly at Dr. Eva. She unleashed her biotics, enveloping Dr. Eva in an unbreakable mass effect field. With another flick of her hand, she lifted the woman high into the air and then smashed her into the ground...again and again.

 

“Jane stop! It's enough. Stop!” she heard Liara's voice, finally breaking through her fury.

 

Someone caught her around her shoulders, pining her arms to her side, in an futile attempt to stop her from destroying that thing. She let go off the doctor and directed her biotics at the one holding her arms, she threw him back into the shuttle behind her with a simple thought. That's when she finally came back to her senses.

 

“James!” she exclaimed in shock, when she recognised who it had been. “I'm so sorry.”

 

She ran to his side, and he grunted in pain when she helped him back to his feet. _Kaidan!_

 

Jane turned around to see Liara kneeling beside Kaidan. She ran over to them, kneeling beside Kaidan. She took his hand into hers. She felt nothing, no biotics greeted her touch, just dreadful emptiness. She searched desperately for his pulse. _There!_ It was faint, but she could feel it. A wave of relieve rushed through her only to be replaced by a feeling of helplessness. What should she do? How could she help him?

 

“He's badly injured.” she heard Liara say from beside her. “We need to get him to a Hospital, immediately.”

 

In that moment Kaidan's eyes fluttered open. “Jane?” his voice was weak, barley audible. It broke her heart to see him like this.

 

“I'm here Kaidan, you'll be alright....just hold on, ok?...just hold on ...please....please, Kaidan.” she pleaded, not sure if he could even hear her.

 

Liara put a hand on her shoulder. “We need to leave, now.”

 

“Yes.” Jane nodded, pulling herself together with an tremendous effort. She couldn't afford

to lose control of herself again. If she wanted to save his live, she needed to stay cool. Later, later she could fall apart, now she needed to be strong.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there are a lot of hurt feelings and misunderstandings between those two, and this will continue for a while longer. But I promise, for all the painful moments I'm writing, there will be happy once as well.
> 
> Feel free to ask me any questions, and thank you all for reading my stuff and leaving me kudos :)
> 
> Also, I update as soon as possible, although I like to stay at least one chapter ahead of the story. So, for every chapter you read, the next is already waiting for you :)


	5. The things she'd lost...

**Back on the Normandy**

 

“I'm so so sorry, James.” she apologized to him for the hundredth time. “I never meant to hurt you.”

 

“It's alright, Commander.” he dismissed her apology with a wave of his hand. “It's just a cracked rib. I shouldn't have tried to stop you in the first place.”

 

“No it's not alright. I shouldn't have lost control like that.” she said stubbornly. “I don't know what came over me.”

 

Her eyes involuntary wandered over to the medbay where Kaidan was still lying unconscious. She knew her words weren't entirely true. The thought that she could have lost him....that she could still lose him.

 

“I've never seen a humans biotics spike so high...it was incredible.” Liara put in from her seat nearby, where she was studying the data they had managed to retrieve.

 

“Incredibly scary, yes...remind me to stay on your good side, Commander.” James flashed her a crocked smiled. _Why couldn't he take this more serious?_

 

“It was dangerous. I could have done more than just crack your rib, Lieutenant.” she insisted

 

“Did that happen to you before?” Liara asked, glancing up from her data-pad with curiosity in her eyes.

 

“Once...during the Skyllian Blitz.” Jane replied her eyes growing distant with the unpleasant memories. “I've lost many good friends that day...and when I was the last one still standing...I...” her voice trailed off.

 

“Commander, we are arriving at the Citadel shortly, they are sending in a team of medics to take care of Major Alenko. Do you want to go with them or...” Joker asked over the radio.

 

“No....we need to speak to the Council first.” Although she didn't want to leave Kaidan alone, she knew she couldn't do anything for him right now and there were still things to be done. She just hoped the Council would listen to her this time, if not....well...she really wasn't in the mood for diplomatics right now.

 

…..

 

**Citadel**

 

“I knew they wouldn't help us!” Jane could barely keep her anger in check, while striding along the corridors of the Praesidium with Liara following close behind. She wanted to kick something. No better! Shoot someone!

 

“I know it is hard for you, but I'm sure you understand their reasons.” Liara tried to calm her.

 

“I do, but you didn't see what happened on earth...you didn't see...the...” A sudden dizziness overcame her and she wavered. Placing a hand on the wall beside her she tried to steady herself, while the world kept spinning before her eyes.

 

“Jane!...are you alright?” Liara asked worriedly stepping to her side, catching her by the elbow.

 

“I'm fine...don't worry...I just....need a moment.” Her hands were trembling violently and she couldn't breath properly.

 

“You're not fine, Shepard. You're exhausted, you need to rest. How long has it been since you slept or ate something?” Liara asked, clearly concerned.

 

“I can sleep when I am dead.” Jane replied tiredly.

 

“Don't say something like that.” Liara chided.”Let's go to the Normandy, you can rest on our way to Palavan.”

 

“I...I want to go to the Hospital first...I..” Jane swallowed hard, fighting back the waves of nausea that kept welling up in her empty stomach. She really _was_ tired, she didn't remember the last time she slept, so much had happened since then, had it been hours or days?

 

“I understand.” Liara said sounding sympathetic. “Let me help you...”

 

“No no, I'm fine...I can walk on my own.” Jane straightened.

 

“You always say that, even when it's not true.” Liara still let go off her arm but stayed close, just in case.

 

They met Lieutenant Vega at the elevator and together they travelled down to the Huerta Memorial, where Kaidan had been brought a few hours before. A familiar face greeted them in the hallway of the Hospital.

 

“Dr. Chakwas” Jane exclaimed happily.

 

“Shepard.” The older woman inclined her head with a small smile on her face. “You look awful, child.” she remarked, looking Jane up and down and switching on her tool to make a quick scan.

 

“I'm fine.” Jane waved a hand dismissively. “How is Kai....Major Alenko?”

 

“He just came out of surgery.” the doctor sighed heavily, “He was badly injured when he arrived, broken bones and bruises all over, but his L2 implant was the worst of it, they had to remove it and replace it with a new one.” she said sternly, still scanning Jane with her tool and frowning all the while. “When was the last time you slept?”

 

“I'm fine....Isn't that dangerous to remove an Implant? I mean...”

 

“Yes, but they had no choice, it was either that or risk permanent brain damage. It went well though, he will be kept in a coma for a week or two until the swelling at the back of his head declines, and to prevent him from using his biotics. He's too strong of a Biotic to keep them completely offline. Have you been eating right?”

 

“I'm fine...” she stressed the words, slowly getting annoyed. _Why was everyone asking this?_ “Can I see him?”

 

“Yes of course, he is down the hallway, first room on the right.” Dr. Chakwas gestured in the general direction without taking her eyes of the data on her tool. “Liara? Can I talk to you for a moment?”

 

Jane hurried down the hall followed by James, while Dr. Chakwas led Liara away so they could talk in private.

 

She stopped right before the door to Kaidan's room and exhaled loudly, steeling herself for what she was about to see.

 

“I wait here.” James said, and she nodded. Jane opened the door to Kaidan's room and froze.

 

There was a blond woman in a lab coat sitting right next to his bed, holding his hand. _Why the hell was his doctor holding his hand? Was this a new treatment she hadn't heard about?_

 

The woman looked up at her when she didn't enter the room immediately, smiling sadly while her eyes were brimming with tears. She had a beautiful smile, and soft blue eyes. _Dammit! Why was a beautiful young doctor sitting beside Kaidan, holding his fucking hand? That was her job!_

 

Jane suddenly remembered a specific line in his voice mail, hadn't he mentioned dating a doctor on the Citadel? This must be her. He'd said it was nothing serious but, this didn't look like 'nothing serious' to her.

 

She just kept starring at the woman beside Kaidan, while her brain tried to process all this. The woman cleared her throat uncomfortably and got to her feet. Walking over to Jane she held out her small and delicate hand to her.

 

“Hi...you must be Commander Shepard, I am Dr. Alice Tikaani.” the woman said in a rich voice.

 

Of course she had to have a beautiful voice too, not even her name sounded stupid...why couldn't she have at least a stupid name...

 

The smile on the other woman's perfectly smooth face began to falter, and Jane suddenly realised that she hadn't yet said anything to her; she'd just kept starring. .She mentally slapped herself and quickly grabbed the other woman's hand. A trickle of energy left her fingers and the woman, Alice, pulled her hand away immediately with a small yelp.

 

“Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you.” Jane apologized quickly. _God, could this day get any worse?_

 

“Oh it's ok, this happened with Kaidan all the time...” Alice smiled fondly at Kaidan.

 

_Perish the thought, it already got worse_.

 

Jane felt....defeated, crushed even. This woman was absolutely gorgeous...not like her...not even a _bit_ like her. Her hand brushed unconsciously over the long silver scar on her face. She understood why Kaidan would choose this woman over her.... _she_ would choose this woman over herself.

 

This day was certainly the second worst day in her live, right after the day she'd died. Although, dying didn't seem such a bad thing compared to the feeling that overcame her when she saw the look in Alice's eyes...This woman loved him, and who was she to deny him this. He deserved to be happy...that's all she ever wanted for him.

 

“I just wanted to....make sure he's alright.” Jane said with a fake smile on her face. “Well..It seems like...he is in good hands....I better leave you two alone then..” She was actually a little proud that her voice didn't even remotely betray the turmoil of emotions that raged inside of her. She just shouldn't touch anything, or anyone...for the next couple of hours...or days...her biotics were certainly running wild.

 

Jane turned her back on them, no longer able to look at the couple.

 

“You don't have to leave...I can-” Alice objected.

 

“Oh no, I can't stay...I have to go.” She felt dizzy again.

 

“Are you alright?” Alice's voice sounded concerned.

 

“Oh I'm fine...it was nice to meet you, Alice.” she got out before her voice failed her completely.

 

Vega waited for her outside the room and Jane was sure he had witnessed this...disaster, but he was smart enough to keep his mouth shut.

 

She hurried past him without a single word or glance, not even stopping for Liara on her way back to the elevator. Blinking away the tears that threatened to fall she forced herself to keep a straight face. No one would ever see, Commander Jane Shepard, cry in public. _Never._ She could at _least_ leave this horrible situation with her dignity intact.

 

“Shepard wait!” she heard Liara call from behind her. “Did something happen? Are you alright?”

 

By _all_ the gods in the universe, the next person asking her if she was fine gets punched in the face.

 

“I'm fine..” she pressed out between her teeth.

 

…..

 

**Dock: Bay D-24**

 

Liara caught sight of Shepard standing right in front of the gate leading to the Normandy. A woman, obviously a reporter by the way she kept waving a camera into Shepard's face, which closely resembled a storm cloud by now, confronted her.

 

“Oh no.” Liara said, quickening her steps.

 

“What is it?” James asked, easily keeping up with her, due to his longer legs.

 

“That Reporter....we ran into her before and she usually gives Shepard a hard time, asking infuriating questions and stuff. Shepard always handled this encounters very professional, but...” she left the rest unsaid.

 

“But she's having a really bad day, today.” James finished her sentence. “I never liked reporters anyway, why don't we wait a moment and see what happens?” he asked almost gleefully.

 

“Bad idea.” Liara said.

 

“Why?”

 

“She's a Biotic.”

 

“So?”

 

“Well, since human biotics are fairly new _and_ rare, people... _your_ people think they are dangerous and should be kept on a tight leash. Haven't you heard of this before?” Liara shot him a surprised glance.

 

“Yes I have...and of course they are dangerous, that's why they are so invaluable for the Alliance. You don't think she's going to flare up like a torch again, do you?” he asked, sounding at least a little concerned.

 

“Let's hope not.” Liara could already feel the disturbing waves of biotic energy coming from her friend.

 

Shortly before they reached her, Liara saw Shepard tense up even more by something the woman said, she balled her hands into fists and punch the woman right in the face. She new by the sound of it that Shepard had definitely broken the reporter's nose.

 

Shepard yelled at the woman at her feet. “Leaving Earth while the Reapers attacked, was the hardest thing we ever had to do, but we all knew that we wouldn't stand a chance against the Reapers, not alone. We need allies, we need to stand together to face the Reapers. I will not rest until I rallied every fleet and every single ship in this galaxy. And when I return, I will _fight_ like hell to save _our_ planet. So, to answer your question...No, I'm not fine!”

 

Shepard turned on her heels and walked through the gates to the Normandy, leaving the still bleeding reporter behind.

 

“That wasn't too bad I guess.” James grinned at Liara, and they hurried to the Normandy.

 

When Liara passed the reporter, she stopped to help her up.“Please excuse Commander Shepard, she's having a... _really_ bad day.” Liara apologized on Shepard's behalf.

 

“I figured _that_ much.” the woman said in a nosy voice, pressing a handkerchief to her bleeding nose.

 

“Sorry.” Liara said again and left to join James at the entrance to their ship. At least Shepard didn't use her biotics to punch the woman, what a Lucky day.

 

….

 

_Jane found herself standing in a dark forest, surrounded by soot-blackened trees their gnarled branches stretched into the air like silent beggars, pleading for mercy._

 

_There was a heavy silence in the air around her, no birds were singing, no insects buzzing, not even a breeze could be felt. There was only the faint whisper of falling ashes on burned leaves. Cold crept under her armour, spreading slowly across her skin making her shiver._

 

_Jane glanced around, when she heard a bell like laughter coming from around the trees. She spotted a child sitting underneath the trees, a boy, no older than six or seven._

 

_Branches crumbled to dust beneath her heavy boots as she ran over to the child. A red glow suddenly bathed the forest in a menacing light and she could hear the ominous booming sound of a Reaper._

 

_The child turned around, eyes wide with fear and it fled deeper into the forest before she could reach it. There was something familiar about this child that she couldn't quite catch._

 

_Jane followed the boy into the dark forest, desperately trying to catch up to him. When she had almost reached him the boy finally turned around and she froze. She could see the boy clearly now and it shook her to the core, when she recognized Kaidan's features mirrored in the little boy's small face, except for his eyes. They were of the exact deep green colour as her own. Was this her child? Her son?...their son?_

 

_Jane reached out a hand to touch the child's face, but before she could do so the boy burst into flames before her eyes._

 

Her eyes flew open and she sat up straight gasping for air and placing a hand on her abdomen like she had done month before. There was a faint knocking on the door, but she didn't react. She couldn't, the tears she'd held back the last two days finally flowed unchecked down her cheeks, dripping from her chin.

 

She was too sad to cry out or wail, she just sat there as still as a statue while the magnitude of everything she'd lost washed over her.

 

 


	6. Worries...

**Palaven's moon**

 

“Shepard?”

 

“Vakarian.” she greeted him with a small smile on her face. Even by the dim light of the moon he could see the dark circles under her eyes and the pale colour of her usually tanned skin.

 

“You look awful.” he remarked with a critical look at her.

 

“Says the half-faced Turian.” she teased playfully, smacking him on the shoulder.

 

He chuckled and shook his head. “What are you doing here?”

 

“Saving your ass of course...”she grinned , and turned around to head over to the main barricade.

 

He followed her automatically, falling into step beside her. It felt so good to see her again.

 

“This is Lieutenant James Vega.” she nodded over to the soldier on her left. “James, this is Garrus Vakarian also known as 'Archangel'...” she made an extravagant gesture at the name.

 

He shook his head and rolled his eyes with a groan. “I'll never live that down, will I ?”

 

“Nope.” Shepard answered, popping the p, and flashing her white teeth at him in a wicked smile.

 

It really felt good to see her again. When they reached the top of the main barricade, Shepard gestured to them to mount the turrets on either side of the barricade, while she positioned herself in the middle, right on the edge of the barricade. She turned on her biotics and little strings of electric energy sizzled over her armoured body.

 

“Gentlemen, here they come.” she announced when the first wave of husks rushed over the hillside.

 

He and James opened fire and Shepard greeted the swarming husks with a series of Warps and Reaves, effectively slowing them down so the two soldiers could take them out easily without wasting to much ammunition.

 

Garrus couldn't help his gaze wandering over to her every now and then, seeing her fight had always inspired him. Shepard hauled her biotics with practised proficiency and deadly precision at the enemy below. After the first few waves had been obliterated she caught his eye and graced him with one of the rare smiles of hers, that always seemed to illuminated her eyes.

 

Still caught by that smile, he let out a small yelp when a Brute charged into the barricade. Garrus stumbled and fell down on one knee, when he looked up again, she was gone.

 

“Commander!” he heard James yell over the edge of the barricade, already swinging a leg over the wall, preparing himself to jump down. Garrus scrambled to the edge of the barricade his eyes franticly scanning the rocky ground below until he spotted her in the middle of the open airfield, surrounded by two massive looking Brutes, one on either side of her.

 

“Shepard!” he yelled, feeling the blood rush out of his face while he gripped the edges of the wall with his talons so tightly that the tips of them went numb.

 

“Stay there!” she yelled back, her body falling into a crouching position, her arms outstretched on either side of her, hands surrounded by swirling waves of blue light; head swishing from side to side to keep an eye on both of the brutes. “I've got this.”

 

“She's absolutely crazy.” he heard James muttered beside him, at the same time as the two brutes charged simultaneously.

 

Garrus's breath caught in his throat when the two enormous creatures missed her by a hair's breadth. She'd ducked out of their reach in the last second, biotics flaring up brighter than he had ever seen them before, surrounding her whole body with blistering waves of energy.

 

The two Brutes charged at her again and again she spun out of their reach, with a movement so fast his eyes could hardly follow. There was a loud hauling noise cutting through the air, coming from one of the Brutes. She had managed to hit the beast with a Warp right into it's face. It staggered and waved his massive arms around in, apparently blinded.

 

Shepard had turned on the other Brute in the meantime and his heart skipped a beat when he saw her jump high into the air, unsheathing her omni-blade she caught the beast first with a Reave and then drove her blade in-between his eyes. She fought with a grace that almost scared him.

 

The second Brute had apparently regained his vision and was already charging at her again, when the first toppled over to the ground with Shepard's omni-blade still embedded in his thick skull. Shepard half turned, tugging at her arm to loosen the blade which didn't move. With a quick motion of her free hand she send an enormous wave of energy toward the beast, it rushed over it like waves crushing against a rock, effectively stopping its charge, with a grunt she tore her omni-blade out of the dead beast's skull and lunged at the second, jumping up into the air and spinning around once, she beheaded the creature with a single stroke.

 

There was a stunned silence in the air above the camp before the entirety of the watching Turians broke out into cheers of triumph that could probably be heard on Palavan.

 

“That's Shepard for you” Garrus had to shout over the deafening roar of the soldiers around them. He was so proud of her he thought his heart would burst with the feeling.

 

“She's a hell of a Soldier.” James roared back at him, grinning from ear to ear.

 

They both jumped down the barricade simultaneously to join Shepard on the field. She was breathing heavily, resting her hands on her knees, but the smile on her face could only be described as radiant.

 

“That...felt....good.” she said between heavy breaths.

 

“Damn...Commander, that was awesome.” James clapped her on the back.

 

“It was...” Garrus agreed. “But please, Shepard...Never do that again.” he said with a pained expression on his face. “You almost gave me a heart attack.”

 

“You're just getting old.” she winked at him, straightening up.

 

“And you never get old if you keep pulling of stunts like that.” he said only half joking.

 

“Aww...Vakarian, you were actually worried about me.” she flashed him a crocked grin before she turned and jogged ahead.

 

“Of course I was.” he said to no one in particular.

 

Shepard had never really grasped the fact that there were many people in her live who actually lost a lot of sleep at night, because of her.

 

“You coming.” she shouted back over her shoulder.

 

“Wouldn't miss it.” he replied, shaking his head and went to follow.

 

She would never change...

.....

 

**Annos Basin, Normandy**

 

“Shepard.”

 

“Wrex.”

 

Shepard greeted him with a nod at the entrance of the Normandy.

 

He never knew what to make of Shepard, for a squishy human she had quite the balls though. She could even stare down a Krogan with that piercing green eyes of hers, but now that he saw her again, her eyes didn't look like he remembered. They were tiered and dull, dark circles underneath. Her shoulders were also slumped, like a heavy weight was crushing them, all in all she didn't look like the woman he knew and respected.

 

“You look like shit, Shepard.” he remarked after following her inside the Normandy.

 

“Love you too, Wrex.” she answered with a wry smile on her too pale face.

 

He chuckled amused, that was more like her. He followed her inside the comm room were Primarch Victus was already waiting with the Dalatrass Linron by his side and the negotiation began.

 

Despite the fact that she didn't _look_ like herself, she certainly did _act_ like the Shepard he knew. She wasn't even batting an eyelid when he demanded a cure for the Genophage _and_ she managed to keep the peace during the argument between him and the Dalatrass. Which wasn't a small feat, to begin with.

 

It was _only_ due to her presence beside him that he did _not_ wrung the neck of this insulting Salarian bitch. His hands still itched at the thought... maybe later, when Shepard wasn't looking. He grinned wickedly.

 

And as he had expected of Shepard, she immediately sided with him, as soon as he presented the footage of the female Krogan held captive by the fucking Salarians.

 

What he'd not expected was the deadly stare she directed at the Dalatrass when that bitch called her a bully. Shepard _really_ could be intimidating for a small human if she wanted to. Whatever was bugging her, it made her fiercer than ever. And he liked it.

….

 

**Sur'Kesh**

 

In the Kodiak, he was readying his favourite shotgun. He needed this females, his people needed _this_ females. They were probably the last hope for his people and he did not trust the Salarians one bit.

 

But when Shepard put a hand on his arm to stop his fidgeting and said “Be nice, Wrex.” He'd felt a little better, calmer maybe, still itching like hell to use his gun but he would try to 'Be nice' for her, as far as a Krogan could be nice anyway.

 

“Commander, salarian ground control says we don't have clearance to land.” the pilot had informed Shepard.

 

“Tell them the Dalatrass authorized this herself.” she had replied

 

“I knew they'd never keep their word. Let's see them stop a Krogan airdrop!” he'd laughed before jumping out of the Kodiak.

 

“Wrex!” he'd heard her call after him.

 

What he had not expected was that she would jump after him, and when she'd noticed the red dots all over him, coming from several snipers on the roof, she'd actually stepped in front of him throwing up a barrier and shielding him from the angry salarians in front of them.

 

He couldn't see her face but her whole body was tensed up, her biotics wild and barely restrained. It was almost like she was challenging them, daring them to make the first and fatal move. He really liked that.

 

She wasn't crazy, she was actually insane to risk her live for a Krogan. It was this fact and the knowledge that she would probably fight for the females the same way he would, that kept him from following her inside the facility.

 

“Trust me, Wrex”she'd said

 

And he did.

 

And when she'd cried out in pain because she got shot in the shoulder, while protecting the last surviving Krogan female, the last hope of his people, he actually worried about her, worried, about a _human_.

 

He was probably just getting old, but he couldn't deny the fact, that she'd actually grown on him.

 

.....

 

**Huerta Memorial**

 

Kaidan slowly regained conciousness, fighting of the darkness that kept pulling at him. His whole body ached from head to toe, his limbs felt like lead, his tongue was swollen and his mouth was dry,

there was not a single part of him that didn't feel like it had been run over by a Mako, twice.

 

At first the light had been to bright, blinding him and leaving little swirling dots on the inside of his eyelids whenever he blinked. Slowly he grew more aware of his surroundings, he was in a dimly lit room, the smell of germicide and the low beeping sound of monitor nearby told him that he was probably in a hospital or something similar. Why was he here? What had happened?

 

Kaidan's memories were hazy at best, swift images of flames, an incredibly strong and gleaming hand, a voice calling out to him...no, pleading with him to hold on. A scream, a scream so loud and filled with fear and rage that it still rung clearly in his ears. He shook his head slightly, nothing of it made any sense.

 

When the fractured memories slowly began to subside, he grew more aware of the fact that he wasn't alone, there was someone holding his hand.

 

“Jane?” he whispered through cracked lips, his voice raspy and barely audible even to himself as he struggled to open his eyes again. His vision was blurry and he couldn't make out any details, but he could dimly make out a figure sitting by his side.

 

He saw a face with soft tanned skin broken by a silver scar running down on one side, framed by sleek black hair; the ever so lightly dusting of freckles above the nose and cheeks barley visible, and vivid eyes, painted in the colour of first spring leafs framed by thick dark lashes.

 

He felt himself smile softly, but when the hazy fog began to lift and his vision cleared the face transformed; the skin paled and the hair transferred from midnight black into a shining gold blond; the eyes, a liquid green a moment before turned into a soft light blue, like the sky on a cold and cloudless winter morning.

 

“Alice..” he whispered again when he finally recognised the woman sitting by his side.

 

The lovely smile Alice wore on her face began to falter and she swallowed hard when she caught the disappointment in his raspy voice. She reached out to run a hand through his thick dark hair down to his cheek were it came to rest. No buzzing of energy accompanied her light touch and he felt even more disappointed.

 

“How are you feeling?” she asked in a voice ringing with affection he didn't return.

 

“Awful” he cracked a smile, just to wince with the strain it put on his barely healed facial muscles. “What...happened?”

 

“You've been gravely injured during a mission...with..” her voice wavered and her eyes dropped to his chest. “Commander Shepard.” she concluded after a moments hesitation.

 

“I don't know any details, they brought you here, to the Citadel, and you've been unconscious for over two weeks.” she explained. “I heard that you were here and came immediately to check on you...I've been worried sick about you, Kaidan.” she pulled his hand up to her lips and kissed it.

 

“Jane? Is she...?” he asked, trying to retrieve his hand but his muscles were still too weak and wouldn't comply. Was Jane alright? Had she been hurt, too? Where was she now?

 

He felt Alice's hand tense on his face and she quickly pulled it away.

 

“Is that all you ever think about?” she said accusingly.

 

He saw tears forming in the corners of her eyes.“You nearly died that day...Kaidan. And all _you_ worry about is.. _her_?” she wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand smudging her make-up in the process.

 

“What's so special about _her_ anyway?” she sniffed. “She didn't seem so impressive when she came here to check on you.”she muttered under her breath.

 

“She...was here?” The warm and comforting feeling that spread through him at the thought felt like a blanket, easing the pain in his limps and chasing away his weariness.

 

“It's the least she could have done, don't you think?” she crossed her arms. “After she nearly got you killed.”

 

“It's not...her fault.” he said in defence of Shepard, his voice growing a little bit stronger. Even if he couldn't remember any details yet, he simply knew that Jane wasn't responsible for what had happened to him.

 

“Kaidan...” Alice said imploringly, retaking his hand.”This woman isn't good for you.” Her blue eyes on his still glittering wet. “I've looked her up on the extranet, death and destruction follow her every step. Did you know that she lost her entire squad during the Skyllian Blitz?”

 

“I know.” Kaidan replied “But she saved...many more.”

 

“You actually believe that stuff don't you?” she huffed. “That she held them off.. _.alone_?” She shook her head and sat up straight.

 

“Yes.” he said without a doubt in his voice. When he saw Alice continuing to shake her head he went on. “I've seen her fight...she's unbelievable.”

 

“Is that why you choose her over me?” the bitterness in her voice made him shift uncomfortably sending small waves of pain through his body. He bit back the wince that formed in his throat.

 

“I thought we talked about this...?” he sighed tiredly.

 

“Yes, you've made it pretty clear that you don't have feelings for me, but after I met her in person...it's just that...she's _not_ what I've expected.” Alice stood up and walked over to the large window, her arms wrapped tightly around herself she stared with unfocused eyes into the distance.

 

A small smile tucked at Kaidan's lips, remembering the day he had first met Shepard on the Normandy, he'd been disappointed too at first.

 

“Why?” he asked still smiling at the memory.

 

“I don't know...in the vids I've seen...she always seemed so....grand...unbeatable, like the Hero she's supposed to be.” she explained starring into the distance.”...but when I met her...she didn't look like that...she looked tiered and ..there was nothing special about her....she was just a woman...” she sighed and turned around to face him. “I just want to understand it, Kaidan. Why her?”

 

No one had ever asked him that question and he took a moment to think about it, while Alice waited for him to answer.“You just said it yourself...she isn't that special.”

 

Her eyebrows drew together at his words and she opened her mouth to speak again but he held up a hand to stop her. “She isn't and at the same time, she is. It's hard to explain...I guess you won't understand....until you see her smile...” Kaidan said his voice trailing of and his eyelids growing heavy.

He couldn't keep them open any longer and faded back into sleep with the memory of the smile that once had changed his life.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> prepare yourself for some fluffy fluff fluff in the next chapter...


	7. A Promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm excited...I don't want to spoil anything. I just hope I did it right.  
> I rewrote this chapter several times...hopefully for the best.

**Back on the Normandy**

 

“Why is there so much blood!” Wrex burst out, carrying the writhing Commander Shepard in his arms, while he hurrying in the direction of the medbay, followed closely by Liara and Dr. Mordin Solus.

 

He glanced down at Shepard.

 

Her face was pale, eyes pressed tightly shut and bloodless lips pulled back over gritted white teeth. She had one hand pressed over the entrance wound on her shoulder, the thick red liquid oozed out between her fingers, flowing down her chest in scarlet streaks on shining black armour, pooling on her stomach and dripping down her sides. She felt so small in his arms, so light. This wasn't right.

 

“There isn't supposed to be so much blood!”

 

That wouldn't be happening if she was a Krogan, thick skinned with patches of strong scales over their bodies. But she wasn't a Krogan, as much as she sometimes reminded him of one. She was a squishy soft human being, bleeding out in his very arms. _Damn humans and their flimsy bodies!_

 

He stormed into the medbay, once inside he lowered Shepard gently down on one of the operating tables, not minding the blood sticking to his own hands and chest. Her blood.

 

“Burns like hell.” Shepard got out between clenched teeth and ragged breathing. “Get that bullet out!”

 

Liara pushed past him while Mordin settled himself on the other side of the table, already starting to remove her armour, revealing the nasty looking wound on her shoulder.

 

“Hold her down, Wrex!” Liara instructed him after scanning Shepard's body and examining the wound. “God, she's losing too much blood already.” she said with wide eyes, her hands visibly trembling.

 

“I've already said that.” he growled. “Do something!”

 

“Joker!” she half screamed into the communicator at her wrist.”Get us to the Citadel, now! We need help!”

 

“Roger that!” Jokers answered. “Will she be alright?” his voice was slightly trembling.

 

Liara didn't answer his question, her silence louder than words.

 

Wrex bend over Shepard, holding her arms in place, while Liara started to remove the bullet in her shoulder. Shepard lay there panting heavily, teeth gritted so tightly that he thought they would shatter any moment, starring up at the ceiling with her green eyes afire as if she was saying “You want me death? Come and _try_!” What a Krogan she would have made.

 

Wrex stayed with her after the surgery was done, thankfully they'd been able to stop the bleeding after the bullet was out, but Shepard had fallen into unconsciousness after that. He stared unblinkingly at the blood that had pooled around her on the table. It had already turned a deeper shade of brown. Shepard's face was paper white and her breathing low and shallow, he'd checked it several times to make sure she was still alive.

 

He felt a hand on his still armoured shoulder and looked up to see the female “Eve”, Mordin had called her, standing beside him.

 

“Why” she asked in a deep rumbling voice. “Why did that human risk her live to save mine?”

 

It was a question he'd asked himself over and over in the past few hours.

 

“I don't know.” He answered her truthfully.

 

….

 

**Huerta Memorial**

 

Kaidan and his doctor looked to the open door of his room. It was already late in the evening and there weren't many people around at this time, usually. People hurried back and forth in the corridor and he could make out bits and pieces of conversations when they passed by his door. It wasn't until he heard a specific name that he actually attempted to rise and walk to the door to see what was going on.

 

“You are not supposed to leave your bed, Major.” Dr. Michelle commanded when she saw him swinging his legs over the side of his bed.

 

“But..”he objected, glancing passed her at the corridor.”They mentioned Commander Shepard.”

 

“I 'eard that. You stay 'ere while I see what's going on.” she flashed him a stern look before she went quickly out the door, shutting the door behind her.

 

_Was she alright? What had happened? What had she been doing?_ Too many questions raced through his head after Dr. Michelle had left the room and he grew more and more impatient with every passing minute. He needed to know what was going on. Now!

 

He rose up slowly just as the door opened again and Dr. Michelle stepped back inside. She raised an eyebrow at him and he sunk back into his pillows with a frustrated grunt.

 

“The Commander 'as been shot in the shoulder during a mission.” she reported, looking down at data-pad in her hands.

 

“What?” he exclaimed, half rising from his pillows again.

 

“Apparently she was hit by a knew type of ammunition constructed by Cerberus to penetrate shields and armour. As far as we can tell it contained a chemical toxin that stops the natural cell regeneration. She's lost a lot of bloodbefore Dr. T'Soni and Dr. Solus where able to remove the bullet. But!” she raised a hand to stop him from speaking. His stomach had turned while hearing the news and the blood drained out of his face in a rush.

 

“Her vitals are stable and she's receiving blood transfusions as we speak. She's still unconscious but she should be alright.” the doctor concluded, looking up from the pad in her hand.

 

“Can I see her?” he asked, trying again to get out of bed, despite the fact that every motion made his muscles scream in protest. He didn't care.

 

“You are not allowed to leave the bed.” she repeated her words from before, placing a hand on his shoulder and pushing him, effortlessly, back into the pillows. He hated being this weak. He hated his body for not responding properly to him and he hated not being by her side when she needed him. _If_ she still needed him.

 

He _had_ send her a message, informing her that he was awake and that he would like to see her, but received no response, not a single word.

 

Maybe she was just too busy with rescuing students or fighting off Brutes with her bare hands, that footage had nearly given him a heart attack when he had seen it on the news. Maybe she didn't want to see him. Maybe she didn't care about him anymore. He cared, though. And he wanted to make sure she was alright, even if she didn't feel the same way about him.

 

“I want to see her.” he said stubbornly.

 

“I will see what I can do.” Dr. Michelle said squeezing his shoulder. “Tomorrow.” she added with a stern look in her eyes.

 

“Tomorrow.” he agreed grudgingly, pulling the blankets he had shoved aside before, back over his chest.

 

“Sleep well, Major.” she said when she left the room, closing the door behind her, leaving him alone with his worries. As if he would be able to sleep tonight.

 

Kaidan waited patiently until the lights were dimmed in the corridor beyond his door, before he swung his legs out of his bed. He slowly stood up, not sure if his legs would carry his weight. Even if not, that wouldn't stop him, if necessary he would crawl out of the room to get to her. To his relieve though, his legs stopped trembling, mostly, after a while and he was able to limp to the door.

 

Luck was with him today, he thought when he looked out of the door into the corridor and saw that it was empty. He limped to an open terminal at one side of his room, activated his omni-tool at his right arm and simply hacked the damn thing to find out where she would be. It only took him a couple of minutes before he got through the firewalls. Tali would be proud of him, he thought with a grin.

 

Room 239 Jane Shepard.

 

He read, looking up on his own door, Room 230. Not too far. His body already ached from head to toe again, but he could endure the pain. Slowly he began to move, one step at a time, with his hand at the wall to support him. When he finally reached Room 239 he had to stop for a moment. He felt as if he had been running all day. After catching his breath again he opened the door to her room and sneaked inside.

 

The room was barley lit, just a dim light in one corner, but he could see Jane laying on the only bed in the middle of the room. Thankfully there were no machines or monitors attached to her, and he let out a breath of relieve.

 

Even by the dim light he could make out the pale skin on her face, slightly illuminated by the stark contrast of the midnight-black hair that fell in messy strands over her closed eyes and nose. Her breathing was deep and regular, which indicated that she was either vast asleep or still unconscious.

 

Kaidan looked around the room and found a chair standing in one corner beside the window. He went over and managed to drag-lift it to one side of her bed without causing, too much noise. He dropped down in it with an audible sigh of relieve, he wouldn't be able to get out of it soon, not that he wanted to leave anyway.

 

Kaidan's gaze lingered upon her peaceful, sleeping face for several long moments before he leaned forward and gently took her hand in his, it was a small hand, he noticed, warmth and a familiar buzzing radiating from it and when he moved his own ever so slightly he could feel the ruff patches of calloused skin under his fingertips.

 

He brought her hand to his lips and planted a light kiss on the back of her hand before he reached out with his other hand and tenderly brushed the hair off her face, his fingertips gliding over the soft skin on her temples.

 

Her eyes opened slowly, blinking several times before they focused on him. Kaidan felt unable to move, to speak, even to breath, he wanted to stay like this, holding her hand and losing himself in the depths of her eyes and the feel of her skin against his fingertips.

 

“Kaidan?” her voice was sleepy and very quiet, it send a shiver down his spine just to hear her speak his name.

 

“Hi there.” he whispered back, a smile forming on his lips, his fingers moving along her jaws, his thumb brushing lightly over her cheekbones, he felt her shiver, her hand moving up to cover his own as she leaned into his touch.

 

“What are you doing here?” she asked, her voice still soft.

 

“I've heard you've been shot.” he replied. “I came to check on you, how are you?”

 

“I'm fine.” she said closing her eyes, and he thought she'd fallen back into sleep but when she opened them again she seemed much more alert.

 

She looked at him again and her eyebrows crease in a light frown.

 

“Kaidan?” she asked again, her voice no longer sleepy. “What _are_ you doing here?”

 

He sat back, not quite understanding what she meant. Did he do something wrong? Didn't she want to see him?

 

“You're not supposed to get up, yet.” she said, fixing him with a stern expression on her face and trying to get up herself. She breathed in a sharp breath and moved her hand to the bandages along her right shoulder. He used her momentarily distraction to push her gently back into her pillow.

 

“Neither are you, Jane.” he stated.

 

“I'm fine.” she repeated her words from before, not very convincing since she pressed them out between gritted teeth.

 

“You're not.” he said simply, unconsciously retaking her hand in his. She looked down at it and then back up at him.

 

“Your girlfriend won't be very happy, if she finds out you sneaked into another woman's room in the middle of the night.” she said retrieving her hand from his.

 

“My what?” he asked sitting back looking dumbstruck.

 

She rolled her eyes and looked away. “The pretty blond girl sitting beside your bed? What was her name? Alice...something.”

 

“Tikaani.”

 

She let out a huff and he mentally slapped himself for saying that.

 

“Congratulations Major, she's beautiful.” she said still not looking at him.

 

“She's not...I mean...she is, but-”

 

“It's alright, Kaidan. I understand and...I'm happy for you.”

 

“Alice is _not_ my girlfriend, Jane.”

 

“It didn't look like that when I came to check on you.”

 

“Well I don't know what it looked like, but-”

 

“She loves you, Kaidan.”

 

He sighed. “I know, but-”

 

“You don't have to explain yourself. I don't blame you or anything...it's been a long time...and you moved on...it's okay...don't worry about me...”

 

“Jane, stop.” he interrupted her. “I'm not seeing anyone. Alice is just a friend, nothing more. Yes, she has feelings for me, I know that, but I don't. I never had....because...because...” _I never stopped loving you_. He wanted to say these words, he could feel them form on the tip of his tongue, but they remained unspoken.

 

There was a long silence stretching between them, neither of them speaking or looking at one another.

 

“Will we ever get over this?” she finally broke the silence between them.

 

Kaidan's eyes fixed on hers and he swallowed. What did she mean? Over him? Over them? Over..

 

“What?” he asked his voice almost a whisper.

 

“Me dying..Horizon...everything that went wrong?” she clarified, gaze dropping away from his.

 

He stayed silent, looking down at his hands, pondering over her question in his mind.

 

“I thought I lost you back there...on Mars.” she half-whispered and he glanced up.

 

Jane wasn't looking at him. She'd turned her head sideways toward the windows, chewing on her fingernails, her eyes starring unfocused into the night. “I kept asking myself...over and over...what if I've been quicker...what if-.” her breath hitched and there were tears forming in the corners of her eyes.

 

“Jane.” Kaidan said moving to sit beside her on the bed, ignoring his protesting muscles.

 

“Oh Kaidan...” she whimpered, suddenly flinging her arms around his neck and burying her face in the hollow of his neck, her body shaking with silent sobs.

 

Kaidan held her close, rocking softly back and forth as best he could, while drawing soothing circles on her back. The fragrance of her hair filled his nose and he inhaled deeply, it smelled faintly of cherry blossoms, her favourite shampoo. He planted a kiss on top of her head and buried his nose deep into her hair, savouring every breath.

 

A faint blue glow surrounded them, sending warm waves causing through his body and making his skin tingle. After long moments sitting like this, she finally stopped shaking and moved her head slightly back to look up at him. Her eyes still glittering wet with tears and her lips were so tantalisingly close to his that he could almost taste them.

 

“Sorry.” she whispered, he could barley make out the word over the sound of his pounding heart.

 

He smiled. She always said that after someone saw her cry, as if shedding tears was something to apologize for. She'd done exactly that when he had found her crying behind a crate in the Storage on the Normandy, after Virmire.

 

“Don't be.” he whispered back, brushing away the remaining tears on her cheek and under her eyes with his thumb. She looked so beautiful in that moment, the same way she had years before when he had said and done exactly the same.

 

It felt like he was thrown back in time, and for a moment everything around him vanished, everything but her. He moved closer and felt her warm breath against his lips when she exhaled deeply. But before their lips could touch she'd pulled away from him, and he released her.

 

“We should get you back to your room.” she said, with a faint smile on her face. And before he knew it she had hopped out of the bed and crossed over halfway to the door.

 

Kaidan blinked at her, several times, still feeling a little dazed he got back on his feet, swaying slightly when his legs wouldn't immediately support his weight. And then, she was there again, pulling his arm around her shoulders and steadying him with the other around his waist.

 

“I can very well walk alone.” he started to protest.

 

“Oh, I can see that.” she said with a small smirk on her lips, while guiding him to the door.

 

Kaidan huffed, although he really liked the feeling of her body pressed against his side with her arm around his waist and his arm around her shoulder. “You shouldn't get out of bed, yourself.” he continued to argue.

 

“You're worse off than me.” she replied. “Have you looked in the mirror lately?”

 

“Not really.” he admitted when they walked into the corridor.

 

“Didn't think so. Your hair is a mess.” she grinned up at him.

 

His hand involuntarily reached up to touch his unkempt hair, it had grown longer, he noticed when he pulled his finger through, messing it up even further. He would need a haircut soon.

 

“I like it.” she said, biting on her tongue while still grinning at him.”I would like it even more if your face wouldn't look like a male version of an Asari.” she giggled.

 

“Is it that bad?” he asked her, running a hand down his face.

 

She laughed at his expression, it sounded like a tiny bell in his ears, and he grinned foolishly at her.

 

“No.” she said, still chuckling.”You're still looking _good_ , Major.” she teased.

 

They'd reached his door and he gave her a knowing look. “You've been distracting me, so I stop arguing with you.” he accused her.

 

“Yes.” she replied shamelessly, leading him through the door to his room. “Telling you _not_ to argue with me never worked, you're too stubborn.”

 

“Me?” he said his voice rising several octaves.

 

She smiled at him again, that lovely smile that made her eyes sparkle. And he couldn't help but return that smile. It felt good, it felt like being with her back on the SR-1. It felt like no time had past at all. Maybe she really _was_ the woman he knew, maybe she really came back to him.

 

“Jane.” he said when they reached his bed. “It's really you, isn't it?” he asked, not really knowing why he had, but somehow it was important to him.

 

Jane looked at him, her eyes unreadable as she slipped around to stay in front of him. She regarded him with those eyes for several moments before she finally stepped closer, leaving only inches between them. He held his breath, not daring to move or to speak.

 

“Words won't convince you, I guess.” she murmured, it wasn't a question, it felt more like a statement, but before he could think about it any further, she'd went up on her tiptoes. Balancing herself against his chest with her hands, she brushed her lips against his, so lightly it felt like the wings of a butterfly. His biotics flared up fully for the first time since his accident. And a spark of energy sizzled in the tiny space left between their lips. Her energy immediately reacted to his, running down her arms and hands right into his chest.

 

Kaidan wrapped both arms around her, pulling her tightly against him as he finally captured her lips with his. Her silky lips moved against his, slow and soft, comforting and reassuring, while their combined energy raced through his veins with every heartbeat, with every touch. It was heaven, bliss, joy...paradise, it was _her_. There was no denying the fact, that _this_ was really her.

 

The kiss ended far to quickly for his taste when she removed her lips from his after what seemed like seconds to him, but before she pulled back completely she planted another very light kiss on his lips, like an afterthought, a signature, a promise.

 

“See you tomorrow, before I leave the citadel.” she said, sounding a little breathless.

 

He was too dazed to answer her, or even comprehend what she was saying. But before he could regain his senses, she was gone. Leaving him alone in his dark room, to pull his scattered thoughts back together.

 

Kaidan crawled back into his bed, not noticing the lose items scattered all over the floor. Or feel his aching limps and muscles, he still felt however, the touch of her lips against his, and with that he finally fell asleep.

 


	8. Tuchanka

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I experimented a little with this chapter, hope it didn't turn out too bad.

**Tuchanka**

 

“Everyone alright?” Shepard asked from her crouching position behind a large rock. The air around them was filled with swirling dust, and bits and pieces of small rocks still rained down on them, after the explosion.

 

“I think so.” Liara replied, taking a careful look around the corner at the enormous black Reaper standing not too far ahead. It's red eye gleaming in the pale sunlight of Tuchanka, flickering from left to right, as if it was searching for signs of the little targets it's laser barely missed a moment before.

 

“Fine here, mostly.” Garrus said, brushing off dust and stones from his armour, before he stopped in the middle of this action to address Shepard.“Did we just get shot by a Reaper?” He asked with a mixture of disbelieve, awe and something close to anger in his voice.

 

“Consider this practice.” Shepard answered, flashing her white teeth in a loop sided grin. There was no trace in Shepard's voice of the fear and terror Liara herself felt in that moment. If anything she sounded more exited than scared.

 

As if sensing her friends discomfort and fear Shepard turned her head to survey Liara. “Don't worry, we'll make it trough this.”

 

If anyone else had said these words, while an overlarge Reaper stood directly in their path cutting them off, quite successfully she might add, from their destination, she would have laughed in his or her face, called them insane and left this ruined place on a dead run giving up on their plan of curing the Genophage.

 

Right now, however, she felt reassured by these words coming from the woman she adored more than anything in the whole wide galaxy.

 

“Stick to cover.” Shepard yelled back over her shoulder, already dashing around the corner at full speed.

 

“I can't believe we're actually doing this!” she heard herself yell, while following Shepard at a dead run.

 

An explosion beside her almost threw her off balance, before someone grabbed her arm and shoved her unceremoniously behind another large rock.“I'm not sure cover is going to work!” she heard Garrus muffled voice over the ringing in her ears.

 

“Ok Shepard, I raised the hammers! You have to activate both of them. My advice is; avoid the giant laser!” Wrex voice said over the communicator.

 

“Alright. Let's dance.” Shepard's voice drifted over to them from her cover a few feet ahead, Liara peaked over the jagged edge of the bolder and saw Shepard turn her head in their direction and nod, her face and armour illuminated shortly by the dusky light of the sun above.

 

Liara had missed Shepard in the past few years, more than words could ever express. She had missed that confident aura that surrounded Shepard whenever she put on her shining black armour, with the blood red stripe running down on one arm and the N7 symbol embroidered right over her heart, which now gleamed in the sunlight, making her look like no matter what the galaxy threw at Shepard, she would stand as solid as a rock against the crashing of waves.

 

But more over, Liara realised when she looked at Shepard's face in this moment, she had missed that lively spark that lit up in her friend's vivid green eyes, whenever she tried to do the impossible, like sneaking past a Reaper to get to a damn tower to cure the damned Genophage.

 

Shepard dove out of her cover first, drawing the Reapers attention, and laser, to follow _her_ instead of her team. She'd just managed to avoid the deadly laser by a hair's breadth, when Liara could hear the unmistakable rattling of engines over their heads.

 

“Commander this is Artimis wing! We'll try to give the Reaper something else to shoot at!” came the voice of some Turian officer over the communicator, while the Turian ships crossed over them.

 

“I knew they wouldn't give up.!” came Garrus's proud voice from behind her.

 

“Goddess be with them.” she murmured, while watching the Turian ships engage the Reaper with heavy fire. They looked like flies trying to bring down a mountain, but affectively drew it's attention away from their group.

 

“Go, let's push ahead.” Shepard ordered, already running over the stone bridge toward the ancient summoning ring.

 

Liara ran after Shepard, always keeping an eye on the now distracted Reaper ahead. The giant thing was trying to shoot the attacking Turians out of the air, with more or less successes. Sure, they didn't need to dodge the laser anymore, instead, they had to avoid being crushed by it's massive claws. Which was only a _slight_ improvement Liara thought, just before one of these, mentioned claws crushed into the stone floor in front of Shepard, nearly knocking the Commander of her feet, when the floor began to buckle and split underneath the force of the impact.

 

“Stupid oversized bug!” she heard Shepard's angry curse followed by a loud clang, which was, to Liara's surprise, caused by Shepard's heavy booted foot. She'd actually kicked the Reaper in a wave of fury, before running on to the location of the first Hammer. If the situation wouldn't be so dire already, Liara would have actually laughed at that.

 

“Incoming.” Liara heard Garrus voice shout, coming from a few feet behind and followed immediately by gunfire. She whipped around to see two massive Brutes charging at Garrus. Without a second thought, she activated her biotics and send a sizzling ball of energy directed at the head of one of the giant monsters.

 

The Warp didn't miss it's target and the massive beast abruptly turned _on her_ and charged. Realising that this probably hadn't been the best idea, she also turned and tried to run before it hit her. She heard a loud boom, and the stone under her feet began to tremble, causing her to stumble and fall in her flight from the Brute.

 

Shepard must have activated the first Hammer, she thought, scrambling to get to her feet again, knowing by the sound of heavy footsteps that the beast was close behind her. In that moment she heard three shots, a howl and the earth shuddered again when the Brute that had chased her fell dead to her feet. Liara looked around in confusion to see Shepard standing not too far from her on the top of the stone steps that led to the first hammer, her heavy Pistol still aimed at the Brutes head.

 

“You ok?” she heard Shepard shout over to her, before she had to dodge another down coming claw of the Reaper and Liara lost sight of Shepard in the dust wave that was caused by the impact.

 

“Shepard, get that second hammer going!” Liara heard Wrex's shout coming over the radio in her ear.

 

“There is a Reaper in my way, Wrex!” she heard Shepard's half enraged, half amused reply coming partly over the radio and partly from behind a pillar that was barely visible in the thick dust that hung in the air around them. If Liara didn't know better, she would say that Shepard was _actually_ enjoying this.

 

“I know, you get all the fun!” Wrex replied over the radio, he definitely sounded amused.

 

There was another howl coming from somewhere to her right. By the sound of it she guessed that Garrus had just finished of his Brute, before another of those ominous booms echo in the air around them, and another earthquake shock the ground indicating that the second Hammer just went off.

 

All this, however, was nothing compared to the answering tremor that shook not just the earth, but the sky itself with it's intensity. Kalros was coming.

 

“Go get back to the truck, I'll take care of the cure!” Shepard yelled at her and Garrus from the top of an upturned Krogan statue, that she had climbed to overlook the valley bellow.

 

Her black shoulder long hair was fluttering wildly around her face, caused by the strong wind that had come up with the earthquake, her shoulders were squared and she stood tall and proud, her green eyes burning with a fire that hadn't been there for month now. Liara had not seen her friend looking so alive since the day she'd died, and she knew deep within, that this wasn't entirely caused by the adrenalin running through Shepard's veins.

 

“Move!” Shepard ordered, when another tremor shock the earth around them and Kalros rose out of the earth with a terrible shriek, lunging itself at the Reaper. Liara and Garrus did as ordered and raced back to the waiting trucks.

 

….

 

Liara sat beside Shepard in the rumbling truck on their way back to the camp to celebrate the Cure of the Genophage. She was looking out the window, lost in her own thoughts, barely seeing the beautiful flecks of light that fell from the sky like little glowing snowflakes, until she heard a soft beeping coming from Shepard's omni-tool.

 

Shepard activated her tool, opening a message that was displayed on a small window, when a soft smile appeared on her lips and her eyes began to glow from within. Liara knew without even reading the name, who send the message. Still she took a peak.

 

***

 

Jane,

 

The doc just told me that they will release me from the Hospital within the week. Thought you might want to know that. Also Counsellor Udina dropped by to make me an offer. I would really like to talk to you about it. I would rather do that in person but since you're out there saving the galaxy, this seems unlikely. I would really like to hear your voice again though...I mean if you're not wrestling a Reaper at the moment...maybe you can call me. Or I can call you. If that's ok for you. Anyway, just let me know what you're up to.

 

Take care.

 

Kaidan

 

Ps. Please, don't wrestle with a Reaper.

 

***

 

“What a dork.” Shepard's smile grew wider and she was chuckling softly, rereading the message.

 

Liara shook her head. Kaidan would probably never change, he was still the stumbling idiot he had been on the SR-1, at least when it came to Shepard. It had been so obvious that he had a crush on her back then. It had also been quite obvious that Shepard had felt the same way, even if Liara hadn't read Shepard's mind back then, she would have known how much Kaidan meant to her.

 

Liara had seen Shepard after Horizon on Illium, the fire she'd seen today had left her eyes back then, and she hated herself for not going with her that day, and she blamed Kaidan for extinguishing the flame. And yet, it had returned, and Liara had already an idea, why.

 

Shepard was already tipping in a reply and although Liara new that it was very very bad form. She looked at it.

 

***

 

Hey Kaidan,

 

Of course I want to know these things, don't be such a dork! And I am very curious to hear about this offer. I just cured the Genophage. Yeahh. And we are heading back to camp to celebrate. Wrex insisted on it. I can call you later, though.

 

See you soon

 

Jane

 

Ps. Does almost being trampled by a Reaper count as wrestling?

 

***

 

Liara snickered and quickly glanced away from the message, feigning a cough to cover the sound that had escaped her, while feeling treacherous heat rising up in her cheeks.

 

“What?” Shepard asked.

 

But before Liara needed to come up with an excuse, Wrex announced their arrival at the camp. And she hurried outside, cheeks still burning.

 

….

 

 

Jane sat lost in thought on a stone beside the crackling bonfire, feeling the comforting heat on her face and a cooling breeze on her back, while millions of stars twinkled in the night sky over Tuchanka.

 

Where the Krogan had managed to find so much wood in this wasteland to build a fire like this was beyond her, but she enjoyed the sight of the dancing flames and the occasional cracking of logs that send little sparks flying into the air, like tiny fireflies. It was comforting, soothing even, and she felt the tension leaving her body when her muscles slowly began to relax. The sounds of the celebrating Krogans seemed to come from far away, mingling with the sounds of the crackling fire and the occasional upcoming breeze, while her mind processed the events of the day. Loosing a member of her team, a friend, was never easy and she new that she tended to take it too personally.

 

She heard heavy footsteps approaching her from behind and a large figure dropped down beside her with a grunt and the smell of ryncol filled her nose.

 

“Wrex.” she acknowledged the newcomer without taking her eyes of the flames.

 

“Shepard.”

 

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, watching the fire.

 

“Why, Shepard?” the Krogan asked suddenly, she could feel his red, lizard like eyes, on her.

 

“Why what,Wrex?”

 

“Why did you help the Krogans.”

 

“Because I need help and curing the Genophage was the only way.”

 

“It wasn't and you know that. You could have sided with the Salarians, it would have been a lot easier for you. Instead you sided with us, even told us about their plan to fake the cure. Why?”

 

“I didn't like their attitude.”

 

Wrex bellowed a laugh, which echoed back from the surrounding mountains.

 

“You risked losing the Salarian forces because you didn't like their attitude? Come on, Shepard. Not even you can be so stupid.”

 

“I didn't like how they treated you, back on the Normandy. How they treated all of the Krogans in general. Everyone deserves a second chance. There is no way I would have betrayed you and Bakara even if It costs me the Salarian support. I couldn't live with myself if I'd done that.”

 

“You're too soft, Shepard.”

 

“Maybe. I know what's at stake when I fail, but I am not willing to change because of that. I'll win this war, Wrex.” she fixed him with a stern gaze. “But I do that on my own therms, not theirs. If they don't want to help me because I saved the Krogans from extinction, fine. I'll find other allies.”

 

“You're crazy. Shepard.” he said, patting her on the back with one large hand, almost knocking her of the stone. “That's what I like about you.”

 

She grinned up at him “I'll drink on that.”

 

 

 


	9. A call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be part of the last chapter, but l had to go over it again...next chapters will be longer

  
“You’ve been joking about the Reaper, right?” Kaidan blurted out as soon as Jane took his vid-call the next morning. “Please tell me you’ve been jo-...Jane?”

Kaidan blinked at the dark mess of black hair that fell over crossed arms on a table. From the little he could make out of the room behind her, he guessed she was back on the Normandy, probably her cabin.

"Are you alright?" he asked, after receiving no response except a muffled groan.

"I'm...dying."

"And...why is that?"

There was a sound coming from her, which he didn't quite catch, maybe a word...something sounding close to 'rhinjoo'. He didn’t really need to identify it though, he already knew what had happened the night before.

"Why on earth did you drink ryncol?" He said, his amusement clear in his voice.

"Don't know…." Another pitiful groan.

His chuckle grew in intensity, although he did try not to laugh, which became increasingly harder when her head slowly rose up from in-between her arms and she shot him a very unamused look through the black curtains of her hair.

"I'm glad that my current state amuses you so much, Kaidan." she snapped, wincing at the sound of her own voice and pressing a hand to her forehead.

"I'm sorry Jane... but did nobody tell you, what a bad idea it is to drink this stuff?"

"Well yes, but..” she continued rubbing her forehead.

“Then why did you do it?”

“It didn't seem such a bad idea last night. At least from what I remember…” she frowned.”I think I lost track of a few hours..."

"Yeah, that happens..." Kaidan remembered his own experiences with ryncol, back when he was a fresh recruit.

  
“Did you just call to shout at me? Or was there something specific?” she asked, methodically massaging her temples with the tips of her fingers.

“I’m sorry, Jane.” he apologized with a smile. ”Actually I wanted to...talk...about…”

Kaidan trailed off as his concentration quickly went over board when she started to let out a series of soft moans and other sounds of relief. His gaze involuntarily dropping down to her slightly parted lips, he swallowed hard and his tongue darted out to lick his lips as he continued to stare at her mouth.

“Talk about what?” She asked opening one eye to look at him when he didn’t continue speaking, pulling his attention back to their conversation.

“I..ehm..” he trailed off again when she leaned back in her chair, her head falling backwards exposing her throat as she continued to massage her scalp. His gaze travelled down her slender neck and memories started to dance in his head of the time when he had kissed his way down this neck, nipping with his teeth at the tender skin along her throat and...

"Something wrong?" she asked wrenching him out of his memories.

"What? No...not at all." God dammit! Alenko, focus! He mentally slapped himself, quickly clearing his throat and sitting up straighter in his chair. Maybe she hadn’t noticed why he’d been staring at her...

Jane leaned forward, her eyes regarding him closely from under her thick black lashes, a small smile playing along the corners of her lips. Of course she had….Kaidan cleared his throat again, shifting uneasily in his chair while trying to focus on some part of her that wouldn’t trigger memories of...

“Then why are you blushing?” She grinned at him, taking her little finger between her teeth while resting her head in the palm of her hand. Although he didn’t want to, his gaze involuntarily travelled back to her mouth.

“I’m not...I mean...I...ehm...that is…” he stammered unable to take his eyes off the finger between her lips.

"You mentioned an offer from Odina in your letter, that's why you called right?" she said in a light voice, as if she hadn’t noticed his inability to focus on anything but her mouth right now.

“What?”

“Odina’s offer.” she supplied.

“Yeah...right…” Kaidan had to force himself to shift his gaze up to meet her eyes, and found them glittering with silent amusement. “Spectre status...they want me to-.”

“Kaidan that’s great!” She exclaimed “You’re perfect for the job.”

Kaidan felt his chest swelling with pride at her reaction. “Well, thank you.” He smiled. “This means a lot coming from you. You set the bar pretty high, you know.”

“Me?” Jane made a dismissive hand gesture and snorted. “No, I’m just a troublemaker for most people and a real ‘pain in the ass’ for the Citadel Council.” she shrugged, meeting his eyes again she said. “ You will be a great Spectre. People look up to you and you are much much more diplomatic than I’ll ever be.” she smiled fondly at him. “This time they chose the right person.”

Kaidan looked at her, honestly surprised by her words. Did she really think of herself like this? That she was some kind of a...failure?

“Jane you’re a-”

“Commander? There is an urgent call coming in from Miranda and a message from Jacob as well.” Joker’s voice came over the intercom.

Jane looked up in surprise. “Patch it through to the comm room. I’ll be there in a second.” she started to rise. “I’m sorry, Kaidan. I need to go. I see you on the Citadel, soon.”

“Jane, wait-” he started, but she’d already disconnected.

Kaidan sat back in his chair, thinking. Miranda Lawson and Jacob Taylor? Weren’t they with Cerberus? Didn’t she say she had nothing to do with Cerberus anymore?

He shook his head absent minded. No, he shouldn’t run to conclusions without talking to her first. She said she’d be at the Citadel soon. He could asked her then, in person.

 

 


	10. Cerberus coup part 1

**Executor’s office. C-sec Headquarters.**

 

“Leng.” Jane said in an icy voice, dripping with contempt. 

 

She raised her gun to point it at the dark haired man standing in front of her. He’d changed since she last saw him, his black hair was longer and pulled back in a messy ponytail and were once had been the N7 symbol on his midnight black armour was now the crest of Cerberus.

 

“Shepard.” the assassin replied with a smirk, not taking his eerie glowing eyes off the frightened Salarian Councilor in front of him. “Long time no see.”

 

“Not long enough.” she replied slowly circling around the Salarian to get a better aim at Leng.“Wearing a mask now, huh? Can’t blame you. With a face like yours...” she sneered, noting in satisfaction when his smirk faltered slightly. He’d always been an arrogant ass.

 

“You know him?” Vega asked, mirroring her actions on the other side of the Councilor while Garrus stepped backwards, seeking higher ground for a shot from his rifle.

 

“Oh I know him.” she replied, baring her teeth in a snarl. “Kai Leng, former N7, dishonourably discharged for murdering a Krogan  _ and _ two of my friends.”

 

The man with the shoulder long dark hair began to laugh, a humourless and mocking sound. “They were weak.” he conjured a ball of energy in his hand and pointed it at the trembling Councilor's face. “And so are you, Shepard.”

 

Jane almost growled but did not answer, instead she aimed her gun directly between Leng’s eyes. “Step away from him, Leng.” she ordered. “I won’t say it twice.”

 

“I wouldn’t fuck with the Commander if I were you.” Vega advised, getting into position as well. 

 

“Shepard, he’s going to kill us all.” The Salarian Councilor said in a trembling voice.

 

“I don’t think so.” Jane said, fighting to keep calm despite her boiling blood. “The only one in trouble is  _ you, _ Councilor.”

 

The Assassin face split into a sneer. “You haven’t changed a bit Shepard.”

 

“That’s not what I meant.” the Councilor spoke up again. “It’s Udina. He’s staging a coup. He’s got the other-”  Leng’s biotics flared suddenly in warning, stopping the Salarian’s explanation. 

 

“Three on one, pal. It’s over.” Garrus voice came from behind her.

 

“No.” Leng replied in a calm almost excited voice. “Now it’s fun.”

 

There was a soft thumb and the faint clicking of a safety being taken off a gun. Thane was standing behind the Assassin holding a pistol to the man’s head. Before Jane could adapt to this new situation, Leng had already spun around and started a fight across the room with the Drell. The two Assassins hit and dodged around each other in smooth and controlled martial art’s movements, it looked more like an intricate dance than a fight.  

 

Jane was following the movements of the evenly matched combatants with her gun, but she dared not to shoot, they moved too fast, too unpredictable to even think of risking it. 

 

After a heavy blow to the chest, Thane was thrown half across the room, but rolled to his feet and attacked again in one smooth motion. Leng was forced backwards by Thane’s counterstrikes and finally drew his Katana lunging at Thane who easily dodged the swipe and landed a blow against Leng’s chest that made him stumble. 

 

_ This _ was Jane’s chance to shoot, she let out a slow controlled breath and aimed the gun at Leng’s head finger steady on the trigger, but her worry over Thane’s condition made her hesitate a moment too long.

 

Leng suddenly spun around, his sword swishing through the air directed at Thane’s throat. The Drell leaned backwards, avoiding the sharp blade only by a hair, when Leng changed the direction of the Katana in a fluent motion and stabbed at Thane. 

 

Jane’s eyes widened in horror and disbelief when the sword smoothly slit into Thane’s unprotected side. The tip of the Katana protruding out of Thane’s back in an instant covered in brilliant red blood. Thane sank to his knees as Leng began to pull his sword slowly out of the Drell with a gruesome smile on his face as if the Assassin was enjoying every moment of this. 

 

“Thane!” Jane cried in desperation, already running to her friend’s side, while Leng spun around on his heels and flet toward the entrance of the building. “You bastard!” Jane shouted, her biotics flaring up in a bright blue corona of dancing flames around her. She fired several rounds from her pistol at Leng’s back, but her calm was gone and so was her steady hand and she missed.

 

“Go after him.” she heard Thane’s voice. The Drell was lying on the floor, pressing a hand to the wound at his side while blood already pooled around him seeping out off the opening at his back. 

 

“But-.” Jane started to object when their eyes met, emerald green with dancing blue on obsidian black as deep as a starless sky. Thane’s thin lips split into a warm smile while a thin trail of blood ran down one corner of his mouth. “I have time.” he said in a low reassuring voice. “Go catch him, Siha.”

 

Jane nodded, her already diminishing corona flaring up at his words, fuelled by a desperate need for revenge. With one last glance at Garrus and James, who’d already ordered medical assistance for Thane, she jumped over the tables and ran at full speed after the retreating Leng.

 

 

**Elevator shaft, Presidium**

Jane looked down into the shaft after the already vanishing elevator. She would have loved to  rip Leng’s throat out for what he had done to Thane and her friends, but stopping him from reaching the Council would ruin his day completely after she had gifted him with a long nasty cut along his cheek. It’ll do, for now, but one day, she knew, their paths would undoubtedly cross again, and on  _ that _ day she’ll make him wish he’d never crawled out of his mother’s whom.

 

Jane took a deep soothing breath. She felt the dark energy surrounding her slowly retreat back to the place deep inside of her where it originated, leaving her with only a faint humming in her ears and a soft tingling on her skin. She wouldn’t need her biotics for that slimy and treacherous politician anyway, a simple bullet between the eyes would be enough for him.

 

“Shepard. You’ve almost reached the council’s elevator.” Commander Bailey’s voice wrenched her out of her thoughts again.

 

“Good.” she replied already turning to her right.

 

She crouched and tensed her muscles in preparation and as soon as the elevator came into view she jumped over on top of it. Her heavy boots causing a loud clang when they connected with the metal beneath her feet. There was a muffled shout coming from inside the elevator and several bullets shot through the ceiling of the elevator. 

 

Jane cursed between clenched teeth, and twisted and turned in several directions to avoid being hit, trying not to cause too much noise to avoid giving away her position, but despite her efforts some of the bullets came fairly close...far  _ too _ close. Whoever was shooting at her, wasn’t bad at predicting where she would be next, as if he or she could sense her.

 

The elevator came to a stop shortly after Garrus and James joined her on the elevator and they could make out muffled voices over the sound of hurried footsteps. They waited a moment to be sure the shooter, probably a bodyguard, wouldn’t be in the elevator anymore. If he or she was that  _ good _ at aiming without seeing her, she rather not risk it. Her barriers weren’t strong enough to stop a bullet at close range. She wasn’t a Sentinel like Kaidan, who was trained in defense and far better at it than she was.

 

Jane signaled James with a nod to break the maintenance entrance open. The heavy armoured tank of a man went immediately to work, breaking the door in with two well placed stomps of his heavy boot. He jumped down first closely followed by Jane and Garrus.

 

“No one in sight, Commander. The Council must have escaped through the door up ahead.” James informed her. They could already hear the sound of gunfire coming up through the elevator shafts. Cerberus must be close already.

 

They made their way carefully through the open elevator door and down the short hallway to the door James had mentioned. The door was locked of course and Garrus immediately went to work to hack the door, he nodded once when the light of the door turned green and stepped aside to take his usual position on Jane’s right side while James moved to the left beside the door.

 

“Ready?” Jane asked, tapping into her power once more until her skin glowed in a faint blue light. She dared not flare completely, not only because she didn’t want to roll in on the Council on a wave of biotics, possibly spooking their bodyguard into shooting first and asking questions later, but also because she’d already used a lot of her energy while pursuing that bastard Leng.

 

This barrier wouldn’t stop a bullet, but maybe it would let the bodyguard hesitate before he or she attacked, giving them time to explain things. At least the basics before she killed Udina, well, probably killed Udina, she usually offered everyone a chance to surrender… exactly  _ one _ chance.

 

“Ready when you are, Commander.” James said, his hand hovering over the door to open it at her sign.

 

Jane stepped back from the door, half raising her gun and exhaling audible. What ever would greet them behind the door, she was ready to face it. James slammed at the button and stepped back.

 

The sudden sunlight burned in her eyes as she stepped out of the hall and into the light and for the fraction of a second she couldn’t see clearly. When her eyes started to focus again she stared directly into the barrel of gun, pointed right into her face. 

 

Jane trained her own weapon at the aggressor, her biotics flaring up by instinct alone at the immediate threat. She blinked in surprise when her power clashed against the energy that emanated from the man standing in front of her. Her eyes suddenly widened in shock and she almost dropped her weapon.

  
_ Nothing _ could have prepared her for this.


	11. Cerberus coup 2

"Move!"

Kaidan ushered the Council out of the elevator, while keeping his gun pointed at the ceiling, adrenaline and biotic power surging through his veins, sharpening his senses.

Using his biotics to fight again had felt strange at first. The new implant he'd gotten after his old L2 was nearly destroyed, made it a lot easier to access his power.

There was no strain no impending headache waiting in the back of his head, on the contrary, the dark energy flowed so easily and effortlessly through his body that he had to keep a tight grip on it. It felt like a storm raging inside of him, waiting to be unleashed upon his enemies. It felt...incredible, exhilarating to say the least. Was _this_ how Jane felt every time she used her powers? He wondered briefly when he retreated backwards out of the elevator.

There was no sound coming from above, but he wasn't so sure that he had eliminated the one who'd jumped atop the elevator and a very unreasonable part of him almost wished that he hadn't, so he could use his powers again. He shut down this thought immediately, this was no time to get reckless.

Once he was out in the hallway he'd turned and hurried to the door where his charges waited for him. Kaidan opened the door and quickly stepped out into the dazzling sunlight, his biotics flaring up into an almost impenetrable barrier around him.

The roof was empty but the c-sec shuttle he had counted on to escape with, was burning brightly not too far ahead.

Kaidan swore loudly running a hand through his hair as he turned away from the wrecked shuttle. His mind was already racing to find another solution. There were only two possibilities left. Either C-sec send another shuttle to pick them up, but that meant he had to hold the door to the roof all by himself to buy C-sec enough time to get here. Or they could head back into the elevator and try to find another way out of the building.

_The building_

"Back to the-" he started to yell, pointing toward the entrance when a loud metallic clang echoed out of the corridor beyond and his blood went cold at the sound of squeaking metal. He'd run out of time it seemed, Cerberus was already breaking through. There was no way out.

Kaidan cursed, already running past the frightened members of the council to the still open door shutting it quickly. That moment he heard something heavy crash to the ground beyond the door.

"Stay behind me!" he ordered, stepping away from the door, his gun at the ready. Well, if Cerberus wanted the Council dead, they had to get past him first. And he sure as hell wouldn't make it easy for them.

There were faint noises, probably voices coming from the other side of the door and he tensed pointing his gun at the crack where it would open, he released his restraint on his biotics and they flared up brightly.

The door opened and three figures came out into the light, their guns already trained at him, but he didn't even realize it. His gaze was frozen on only one of them. He'd immediately recognized the black armor with the red stripe and the N7 emblem even before he felt the familiar buzz of her biotics against his.

"Jesus, Ja-..Shepard!" Kaidan exclaimed lowering his gun.

"Kaidan!" she replied mirroring his actions.

"What are you-" Kaidan started but stopped frowning at James who'd just smashed the control panel of the door behind him.

"What's going on here?" he asked suspiciously, half raising his weapon again.

"Are you blind?" came Councilor Udina's voice from behind him. "Shepard's with Cerberus, she came to kill us!"

Kaidan looked at the Councilor and back to Jane, uncertain what to make of this situation. Was she really with Cerberus? Was she responsible for the attack? Had he made a mistake? No. He wouldn't believe it.

"Kaidan." she said, stepping closer to him. "There are Cerberus troops right behind us and an Assassin send by the Illusive Man, Kai Leng. Udina-."

"Don't listen to her, she has already admitted to working with Cerberus, for all we know she's still with them!" Udina broke in.

Jane shot him an annoyed glare, but otherwise ignored the raging Councilor. "Udina is behind the attack, the Salarian Councilor confirmed-."

"She's lying! She has no prove, she never has!" Udina cut her off again.

Kaidan saw a flashing of light in Jane's eyes before she turned on the Councilor. "I swear if you so much as _whispe_ r another word, you're dead!" she hissed, training her gun right at the Councilor's forehead.

"You see! She has completely lost her mind!" Udina exclaimed stumbling back while pointing a trembling finger at Jane.

"What are you talking about? Put the gun away, Shepard." Kaidan said, stepping between her and the Councilor, raising a hand. This wasn't like her, he'd never seen her losing her temper like this. What was going on here?

"Trust me, Kaidan. That bastard has it coming!" Jane snarled.

"That Bastard, is one of the last leaders of earth. And this is _not_ like you, Shepard!" Kaidan also raised his gun, noticing that James and Garrus did the same. Wonderful, the situation just went south…

"We've mistrusted Shepard before and it didn't do us any good." The Asari Councilor chimed in, stepping up beside him.

"Kaidan." Something in Jane's voice caught his immediate attention "I'm having a _really_ bad day, I can't..." His eyes found hers, bright blue on brilliant azure, and for a long moment he just lost himself in their depths. "Trust me." she said in a very quiet voice and the pain that was mirrored in her beautiful eyes, cut him like a knife to the core and his mind raced back to the events on Horizon.

His eyes roamed over her face taking in every little detail and expression, she had looked exactly like this that day. The same pain, the same sadness and the same pleading tone in her voice. He couldn't do this, not again. Whatever this was, he wouldn't hurt her again.

"I do."

Kaidan lowered his gun and straightened.

"I should have known that you would _crawl_ back into her lap like the good little dog you are, Alenko." Udina snarled. "But it's too late for you anyway." something in the Councilor's voice struck at Kaidan.

"Shepard's been right! You betrayed-!" the Asari exclaimed enraged when a thunderous boom echoed through the air and Kaidan was thrown backwards by a sudden shockwave.

Something hit his hard against his chest and the air was pushed painfully out of his lungs when he connected with the stone floor, luckily his barrier held of the worst of the impact.

Kaidan took a moment to regain his senses, the air was thick with dust and smoke which made it hard to breath, and there was a loud ringing in his ears caused by the explosion. After a moment he realised that he was holding something in his arms and glanced down to see Jane laying on top of him. Both of his arms were wrapped protectively around her, he must have caught her instinctively when she was flung against him.

Kaidan sat up slowly, but Jane didn't move and there was no sign of her biotics.

_Her barrier must have failed._

Jane lay limply in his arms, her eyes closed and there was blood trailing down on one side of her face coming from a long cut on her forehead. Kaidan felt panic welling up inside of him until he noticed the slow but steady movement of her armoured chest. _She was breathing_. He thought relieved. _The impact must have knocked her out._

Kaidan looked around, blinking when the dust and smoke bit into his eyes. James lay to his right a few paces away, sprawled on his back. He coughed, rolling slowly onto his side with a groan.

Garrus on his left wasn't moving but he heard Tevos and Valern coughing and moaning behind him. He didn't even look for Udina, whatever had happened to the man, he really didn't care right now.

Kaidan was just about to turn his attention back to Jane when he heard laughter coming from the direction of the door, or what once was a door. The explosion had blown half of the it, including the door into dust and debris. Disconnected cables hung down into the wide space of the hole, occasionally sending off little sparks.

Kaidan saw a man in black armour with the Cerberus crest engraved on his chest, standing right in the middle of the rubble. He had long black hair that was pulled back from his face in a ponytail, some kind of mask covered his eyes and half of his face and there was a long bloody cut across his left cheek.

"How cute." the strange man said with a mirthless smirk on his face as he casually walked toward Kaidan. "The lovebirds finally rejoined."

"Who are you?" Kaidan asked cautiously, slowly lowering Jane to the ground without taking his eyes of the man. Something about him made Kaidan _very_ nervous.

"Oh, how rude of me." the stranger smiled coldly. "My name is Leng, Kai Leng."

_That name._

"You're the hitman send by Cerberus to eliminate the Council." Kaidan concluded, slowly getting to his feet. The strange gleaming eyes of the man's mask were fixed on his every move like a predator watching his prey.

Leng chuckled. "Oh yeah, but it seems I get the chance to finally get rid of Shepard as well, lucky day." his smile turned cruel, and Kaidan felt his anger rising.

_Like hell he would._

"Not on my watch!" Kaidan challenged, stepping in front of Leng. His biotics flaring to live.

"Kaidan, watch out." Vega warned in a strained voice. "He's quick."

Leng laughed. "This will be even more fun than I thought."

….

"Commander? Wake up."

Dimly she heard an explosion in the distance, her ears were still ringing, and Jame's voice sounded muffled as if it came from far away. Jane blinked her eyes open, her vision slowly focusing on Vega's features, his face was covered in smears of dust and blood and he looked worried. She groaned, her head hurt like it was going to split in half and she tasted the coppery tang of blood on her tongue.

"What happened?"

"A bomb set by Cerberus went off near the door to the Praesidium. We've been caught by the explosion. Are you alright?"

Jane could still barely make out the words he said and she felt something wet and sticky on her face as well. She touched her forehead with a trembling hand to find her fingertips red with blood. _Great._

"What about Garrus? The Council? Kaidan?"

She started to rise but James held her down. There was another tremor running through the ground beneath her and she frowned. Where they under attack?

"You shouldn't move. I'm no medic but that cut looks bad and I think you have a concussion. The others are ok, except Udina, he got thrown off the building." he hesitated. "Leng is here, fighting with-"

"Leng!" She exclaimed, pushing his hand from her shoulder, trying to get up again.

"You really shouldn't..."

James rolled his eyes and got up with a grunt and a hand pressed to his side. He reached out to steady her when a wave of nausea washed over her and her legs threatened to gave way under her. Jane shook her head in annoyance, trying to get rid of the ringing in her ears, the movement, of course, only made her headache worse.

"Where is he?" she half growled.

James nodded to the side. "Kaidan's giving him a hard time. C-sec is on-"

"Kaidan?" she pushed James to the side, or tried to at least, when another tremor went through the ground, and she sank to her knees.

"I told you-"

"Why didn't you stop him!" she raged at James, staggering to her feet again.

"He wouldn't let me, he's as stubborn as you, you know." James countered, reaching for her, but she pushed his hands away and stumbled forward.

A thick cloud of dust and smoke hung in the air above the plateau and her unsteady vision made it even harder to make out any details, but she saw movement and the occassionally flicker of blue light.

Jane staggered forward when a sudden breeze cleared up the worst of the smoke and she finally saw Kaidan standing in the middle of the rubble that once was a wall. The steady deep blue corona around him vibrated with sizzling energy as he and Leng both circled each other like two lions waiting for the other to make the next move.

Kaidan wasn't as light or flexible as Leng or Thane when he fought. He was vigorous and steady, his defence nearly flawless and his movements smooth and controlled as he fended of Leng's attacks one after another almost effortlessly. Leng's face was a mask of concentration as he tried to find a weak spot in Kaidan's impregnable barrier.

Kaidan had definitely changed in the past three years, Jane realised with a pinch of sadness. He certainly no longer reminded her of the shy young Lieutenant he'd been on the SR-1. Liara was right when she'd pointed out how capable he'd become. He'd grown stronger and more confident in his abilities. Sometimes it felt like everyone she knew had changed greatly while she still was the same person.

_I've missed so much._

"He's really good." James said in open appreciation.

"For a human biotic he's very powerful." came another voice from behind. Tevon the Asari Councilor limped up to join them. "I wonder why he isn't attacking more often."

"He's a Sentinel." James explained. "As far as I know they are trained to defend rather than attack, and I think he's waiting for C-sec to arrive."

"I see." the Asari replied thoughtful.

"He's a cautious one, not like some other people…huh Lola?"

Jane didn't listen to their conversation, her eyes were fixed on Kaidan and Leng as flickers of old and long buried memories swirled to the surface of her mind when she saw Kaidan stumble over a large rock, barely avoiding Leng's ridiculous Katana.

"Shit!" James exclaimed.

 _A scream and a hand stretched out in a silent plea for mercy. A small body curled up in a sea of blood on the ground. The sickening sound of breaking bones and the sliding of sword through soft flesh._ And over all hovered the cruel smile of the man she hated with every fibre of her being.

The very man that now fought against the one person she loved more than anything, the one person she couldn't bare to lose. She wouldn't and couldn't allow the events of the past to repeat themselves. She would _end_ this once and for all.

_You won't take Kaidan away from me._

This time she didn't dip into her remaining power as she used to, she wrenched at it with everything she had left. And her dark energy flared to life like a roaring beast ready to attack, fueled by her anger, her rage, her greatest fear and the overwhelming need for revenge.

She'd never done this consciously and she had been warned by her teachers never to attempt it. But seeing Kaidan stumbling and falling over the rocky ground while Leng slowly advanced on him with his drawn sword made her step over the invisible boundaries of her power and unleashed her full potential.

"What the-" James staggered back from her with a vicious curse, as she felt the energy soaring up, enveloping her with a blinding light. The blue flames of her biotics no longer danced around her as usual, they _thundered_ like a storm.

"Leng!" she thundered with a voice that matched the storm around her.

Leng turned towards her and Kaidan's mouth fell open when he spotted her.

The ever present smirk on Leng's face collapsed instantly when he saw her coming and he staggered away from Kaidan toward the edge of the pateu.

"You." she growled, but before she could do anything else, he'd glanced over the edge and with a triumphant grin he let himself fall.

Jane darted over to the edge and looked down. Leng had landed safely on a Cerberus shuttle that retreated rapidly into the ever present traffic on the Citadel.

"Come back!" she yelled. "You lousy son of-" she screamed and lifted a heavy bolder of the ground with her biotics, throwing it after the shuttle in frustration. The bolder sailed in a wide arc and vanished in a fountain of water when it plummeted into the water of the Citadel stream.

Jane shut her eyes, suddenly feeling very dizzy and her biotics snuffed out like a candle in the wind. She swayed on her feet and would have fallen over the edge if someone hadn't grabbed her around the waist and pulled her back.

Her body wouldn't respond and she sagged even further when she felt her legs being swept out under her and she was lifted into the air by a pair of strong arms.

_Kaidan.._

Her body hung limply in Kaidan's arms as he carried her back to the others.

"What happened?" she heard Kaidan's worried voice.

"She did something very stupid." she heard Tevon's sharp reply and felt a cold hand on her forehead. "I didn't even know humans were capable of this yet."

"I've seen her do this before." James voice chimed in.

"What? When?" Kaidan asked.

"Mars. After you...she broke my ribs when I tried to stop her."

"What?!"

"Nothing serious really."

"Then you've been lucky." Tevon muttered, her cool hands drifting over Jane's face. "She'll be alright. Make sure she eats and rests."

"I will." Kaidan replied with a sigh of relieve.

"Good luck with that." James muttered.

Jane finally had enough of all that fuss over her, she tried to open her eyes and move her arms but her body felt like lead and wouldn't respond. This was so annoying, she tried to speak but her attempted "I'm fine." came out as a barely audible mumble jumble.

"Let's get out of here." Kaidan ordered. "The sooner the better."

"Shall I carry her?" James asked and she felt Kaidan's arms tighten almost possessively around her as he shifted her into a more comfortable position against his broad armoured chest.

"I take that as a no." James voice sounded amused. "I'll go help Garrus."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I didn’t disappoint anyone with this chapter.
> 
> Thanks for reading it and sticking with the story so far. I really appreciate it.


	12. Feelings..

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan wants his Jane back, he influenced my writting greatly, but see for yourself.

Kaidan walked over to the room where Jane was being attended to by Dr. Karin Chakwas. His pockets stuffed with energy bars, after he literally raided the vending machine near the hall.

He'd eaten half of them himself already, after the fight against Cerberus he was positively ravenous and he was sure that Jane needed to eat as well after whatever she'd done back on the plateau.

Kaidan knocked on the door and entered without waiting for an answer.

Jane was sitting on a therapy table, scowling, while Dr. Chakwas scanned her with some sort of medical device, expertly ignoring Jane's penetrating stare.

Kaidan chuckled amused.

"I said I'm fine." Jane waved a dismissive hand and started to rise.

"You're fine when I say you are." Dr. Chakwas retorted in a matter of fact tone, and gently but firmly pushed Jane back on the table.

"Is she giving you trouble, doc?" Kaidan asked good naturedly, closing the door behind him.

"No more than usual." Dr. Chakwas answered as she framed Jane's face with both of her hands to get a better look at the laceration on her forehead ignoring Jane's sounds off protest.

"Come over here and lend me a hand, Kaidan."

Karin always used his first name when they were alone, and it gave him an immediate feeling of familiarity. He knew exactly what she wanted of him, they had done this so many times back on the Normandy.

Jane always behaved like this when it was her time to be medically cared for, playing her injuries down like they were nothing, he didn't know if it was just her pride or something else that made her act like this, he'd never found out.

Kaidan walked over to the table, fishing in his pocket for an energy bar and holding it in front of Jane's face.

"Eat." he ordered, his expression stern and his tone making clear that he wouldn't argue about it.

Jane raised an eyebrow in question at his choice of tone but took the energy bar and unwrapped it, while Dr. Chakwas rummaged around for some gauze and other utensils she needed to clean the cut.

Kaidan used the opportunity to examine Jane with a critical look. She had definitely lost some weight since the last time he'd seen her without her armour. Her army shirt that usually fitted her perfectly, hung loosely off her shoulders and around her waist and her Bdu pants sagged down to the point where they exposed her hipbones.

"You're skinny." he said disapprovingly. "Don't they feed you on the Normandy?"

"Well, excuse me Major. I don't need to be feed, I can very well fend for...outch."

Jane hissed and pulled her head out of Dr. Chakwas reach the moment she'd started to clean the cut on her forehead. Karin gave her a long steady look out of her green eyes and Kaidan chuckled.

"Don't be such a baby, Jane."

"It stings.." Jane complained, pulling a face as Chakwas resumed her cleaning.

"I've seen you being shot, cut and even stabbed once or twice, without batting an eye, but you flinch back from a little sting?"

Kaidan raised his eyebrows and walked behind Jane, holding her shoulders in place to keep her still.

"Everyone has his weaknesses." she mumbled, relaxing at his touch and leaning back to rest her head on his chest, while Chakwas finished her cleaning with a small smile on her slightly wrinkled face.

Kaidan had almost wrapped his arms around her when she'd leaned into him, but caught himself in the last second and instead kept his hands on her shoulders.

"How did this even happen?" the doctor asked without taking her eyes off her work.

"Kaidan's fault." Jane murmured, unwrapping another energy bar he'd handed her and taking a large bite.

"Excuse me?" Kaidan spluttered.

"You stood in my way." she mumbled between two bites, rubbing her head against his chest.

"Sorry, next time something get's blown up behind you, I make sure to step aside." he said dryly, running his hands up and down her shoulders.

"Next time?" she tried to look up at him but Karin held her head in place, applying medi-gel to the cut.

"Yeah, knowing you, there will always be an explosion, or a collapsing building, or.." he went on while combing with his fingers through her glossy black hair, smoothing it down over one shoulder.

"You're exaggerating." she huffed sitting up straighter when his hand travelled down to her neck.

"You're a magnet for trouble and catastrophes." he stated matter of factly, his thumbs massaging the back of her neck and she shivered.

"Well, that's not my fault!" she snapped, scooting closer to him. "I don't go around looking for trouble, trouble usually finds _me_."

"That's one way to put it." he laughed, his fingers trailing lightly over her soft skin.

"Alright I'm finished." Dr. Chakwas chimed in, stepping back from the table and cleaning her hands with a paper towel, while Jane pushed herself up and off the table.

"Make sure you get some rest soon, you need it." she fixed Jane with a stern gaze.

"Yes, ma'am." Jane murmured unconvincingly, straightening her shirt and pulling up her pants which immediately sagged down again.

"I'll leave her in your care for now, Kaidan. I need to pack my stuff." Dr. Chakwas dipped her head in a nod.

"Thanks." Kaidan said dryly walking around the table to stand beside Jane, a tiny spark of energy sizzled between them when their arms brushed accidentally, making goosebumps rise on Kaidan's skin.

"I see you on the Normandy, Shepard….Kaidan" Karin said with a twinkle in her eyes and a knowing smile tugging at the corner of her lips, before she opened the door and left the room.

As soon as Karin had closed the door behind her, Jane walked passed Kaidan opening it again.

"Where do you think you're going?" Kaidan asked suspiciously.

"I've got to see someone….a friend." she replied without turning, her hand lingering on the door frame.

"The doc said you should rest."

"I need to go, now." she said stepping outside the room.

"Jane, wait!" Kaidan hurried after her and managed to catch her wrist. "Let me at least come with you."

She meet his eyes briefly before her gaze dropped down to his hand on her wrist and he hesitantly let go off her.

"Alright." she said simply and they fell into step beside each other, their fingers occasionally brushing as they walked closely side by side and Kaidan had to fight the urge to reach for her hand.

Jane stopped in front of another room a little further down the corridor and knocked softly.

The door opened silently and a drell stood before them, his blue and black scales shimmering softly in the light of the corridor and his eyes, deep black pools glittered wet.

"Shepard." he acknowledged Jane in a quiet voice, stepping aside to let them in.

"Kolyat. It's good to see you again." Jane smiled at the young drell.

Kaidan nodded respectfully as he entered behind Jane, he glanced over her shoulder and saw another drell laying in a bed beside a lot of machinery with monitors that send of occasional beeps.

He knew that drell, Kaidan realized, when he recognised the green and black patterns on the drell's sleeping face. He'd spoken to him several times during his stay. _What was his name again?_

"Thane." Jane said softly, taking the older drell's hand gently in her own.

 _That_ definitely wasn't the name the drell had used to introduce himself to Kaidan and he frowned until he remembered the reports he'd read back on earth. They'd mentioned a drell named Thane Krios, he'd been part of the team that Jane led onto the suicide mission.

"Siha." the drell smiled, his eyes opening slowly. "I'm glad you came, did you catch the assassin?"

"Unfortunately he got away, but Kaidan and I gave him a fair beating." Jane smiled again, though it did not reach her eyes.

"That assassin should be ashamed. A terminally ill drell managed to stop him from reaching his target." Thane coughed and Jane settled a soothing hand on his chest.

"I'll make sure to pass the word along." she said quietly.

"I'm afraid I won't be joining you on the Normandy again." he said apologetically. "I've picked a bad time to leave….I'd love to see how you save the galaxy from the Reapers...but It seems I ran out of time."

"You've done more than enough, Thane. You helped me save a lot of lives today...without you..."

She swallowed hard, smoothing down the blankets around him. "I'm sorry I couldn't stop Leng from-."

Her voice failed and tears sprang to her eyes, illuminating their lively green colour and Thane reached out to brush a stray strand of raven black hair out of her eyes. Kaidan felt a sudden stab of jealousy at the intimacy of this simple touch.

He wondered briefly if there was more than simple companionship between the two of them and immediately felt ashamed of the thought. This was neither the time nor place to get jealous over a simple touch, especially since the drell was already on the verge of death.

Moreover, he knew Jane well enough to know that her gentleness with the drell was born out of compassion and love for a dying friend and nothing more. She cared deeply for the members of her crew, more than any other Commander, Captain or Admiral had ever done, more than she should actually.

"Don't be sorry, _you_ made me feel purposeful again, and you helped me save Kolyat. I'll be forever in your depth for this."

The drell smiled. "And now you honor me even more by shedding your rare tears over me, Siha."

Jane sniffed and wiped at her eyes. "Don't be ridiculous, I never cry." she said defiantly while silent tears trailed down her cheeks and dropped of her chin.

Thane chuckled and they gazed into each other's eyes for a long moment before he said:

"Thank you, there's only one thing left to do for me."

Jane didn't reply, instead she lifted his hand to her lips, kissing it gently.

Kaidan stepped back not wanting to interfere as the dying drell started to recite a prayer.

"Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depths, I ask forgiveness. Kalahira, whose waves wear down stone and sand-."

Thane's voice broke off unable to continue when his body was wracked by fits of coughing and his son, Kolyat continued the prayer for him.

"Kalahira, wash the sins from this one, and set him on the distant shore of the infinite spirit."

"Kolyat," Thane's voice sounded weak after his coughing but was filled with pride and joy as he looked at his son "you've spent time with the priest?"

Kolyat dipped his head in a nod and pulled a small leather book out of his pocket. He went to stand beside Jane.

"Will you care to join me, Commander?" he asked, leaning down so she could have a look at the page he had chosen.

Jane nodded and cleared her throat before she joined in the prayer with Kolyat, under the watchful and glittering eyes of Thane.

"Kalahira, this one's heart is pure, but beset by wickedness and contention. Guide this one to where the traveler never, tires, the lover never leaves,"

Jane's eyes found Kaidan's and his heart skipped a beat at the variety of emotions he could read in their green depths during the mere seconds she held his gaze, before she glanced back at the page and continued with Kolyat.

"Guide this one, Kalahira, and she will be a companion to you as she was to me."

They ended the prayer and Jane reached out to close Thane's eyes, her fingers lingering on his peaceful features. The drell had stopped breathing during the prayer, gently drifting off into eternal sleep,

"I'll meet you across the sea...my friend." Jane whispered, placing a kiss on Thane's forehead.

"Why did the last line say she?" Kaidan asked Kolyat in a quiet respectful voice, his curiosity getting the better of him.

"The prayer was not for him, Major." the young drell looked up at him and stepped back from the bed to stand beside Kaidan, giving Jane a moment alone with her grief.

"He has already asked forgiveness for the lives he has taken."

Kaidan's eyebrows rose in surprise and Kolyat's gaze travelled back to Jane who gently arranged Thane's hands over his chest.

"His last wish was for her."

….

Kaidan watched Jane out of the corners of his eyes as he accompanied her back to the Normandy.

Her face showed nothing of her former grief and her eyes were fixed straight ahead with no traces of the tears she'd shed only moments before. They walked silently beside each other until they reached the airlock of the starship and Jane stopped suddenly, reaching out to grab his hand.

Kaidan looked down at her in surprise and stopped as well. She didn't let go of his hand when he turned around to face her.

Jane didn't speak for several moments, her gaze fixed on the floor and her small hand slightly trembling in his.

"Jane?" he asked after the silence began to stretch uncomfortably between them.

She didn't reply, instead she stepped closer, resting her forehead lightly against his chest. He could feel her hot breath even through the fabric of his uniform and his breath hitched in his throat.

"Come back to the Normandy, Kaidan." she whispered, her hand clutching at the fabric of his shirt as if she needed something to hold on to.

Kaidan didn't know what to say, he had pondered over the idea of joining her crew over and over in his head during his stay at the hospital. He wanted to join her, to be close to her again, to keep her out of trouble, or at least try too for the most part, but he knew he wouldn't be able to keep his feelings for her under control if he stayed close, and he wasn't sure if that was what she wanted.

"I don't know if.." he began, uncertain how to explain all of this.

Her grip on his shirt tightened and she trembled.

"I just lost another friend...I don't know how long….I want you with me, Kaidan." she finished, still trembling and he wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly against him.

"Of course I want to join you, it's just…"

She pulled away suddenly "You still don't trust me." she accused him, fire burning in her eyes as she turned to walk away.

_Not again..._

Kaidan caught her wrist before she got out of reach and pulled her back, a little to forceful, because she stumbled and fell into his arms and without another thought of what he was doing, he dipped her chin up and kissed her.

It was a gentle brush at first but when she slung her arms around his neck and pulled him closer, he pressed in more firmly.

All thoughts, worries and doubts washed out of his mind by the feel of her lips moving against his own. He traced his tongue along the delicate curve of her upper lip, coxing her to open her mouth for him and she complied almost eagerly, sending waves of heat chasing through his veins as she melted against his body when he deepened the kiss and his knees went weak when she let out small sounds of pleasure.

Kaidan's heart hammered against his chest as her nails started digging into his neck and shoulder as his arms wrapped more tightly around her waist and back. He pulled her closer, desperately seeking more contact, while waves of energy started to rise around them.

Three years had been too long for this.

"I love you." he mouthed the words against her lips, unable to keep them back anylonger.

She pulled back breaking the kiss to meet his half lidded eyes. Her panting breath felt hot on his lips and her eyes filled with emotions he couldn't name.

Deep inside the leaf green pools that were her eyes, glowing like a golden flame was one emotion that burned brighter than anything else. He felt it vibrating through his body in gleaming waves of warmth and comfort as her energy curled around his skin.

The feeling that accompanied this waves was so intense that words wouldn't be able to describe it, and he was unable to think or breathe, captured in the glow of the light that represented everything she felt for him.

She didn't need to tell him that she loved him. In this moment he knew it. _This_ was so much more than words could ever express, more intimate, more real and undeniably true.

Kaidan kissed her again, sending a wave of his own energy through her body, filled with everything he felt for her and she gasped, her body shuddering against his and he felt her smile against his lips, the movement making his heart jump in his chest with pure joy and they stood like this for a very long time, bathed in each others biotics and truthful feelings.

Forgetting everything else around them, forgetting the war, the suffering they've both been through until nothing was left, except them. The only thing that really mattered.

"So, you're joining me on the trip to save the universe?" she asked sounding breathless, slowly untangling herself from his embrace..

"I wouldn't miss it. Someone has to keep an eye on you."

Kaidan smiled, smoothing down her ruffled hair.

She raised an eyebrow at that, straightening his wrinkled shirt.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, Major." she stressed his rank and his grin widened. "But didn't I save your ass several times already, because _you_ managed to get yourself into trouble?"

"True." he placed a kiss on her forehead. "And I saved yours. We are a great team."

"True." she flashed him her special smile, that illuminated her eyes and made his heart speed up in his chest.

"I'll go get my stuff. Don't leave without me, ok." he winked at her.

"Wouldn't dream of it." she crossed her arms and cocked her hip in the most sexiest way he could think off. "Don't take too long though."

His head started spinning and he had to wrench his gaze away from her.

"Yes ma'am."

This journey would put his self-control to it's limits within no time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this, now that Kaidan is finally back on the Normandy the fun part starts :)
> 
> Honestly, I would really like to hear some opinions on the story, I'm hanging a little in the air here :D So if you like it, just leave me a comment and let me know. Thank you for reading and leaving kudos.


	13. Chapter 13 The truth behind the reason

**Normandy, Captain’s quarters**

 

Jane heard a soft knocking on her door and looked up from the report she was studying on the datapad in her hand.

 

“Come in.” she called, leaning back in her chair and running her hands over her tired eyes and through her still damp hair from the shower she’d taken a few minutes before. She knew she should get some rest soon. 

 

After the events on the Citadel she felt more than exhausted and she would love to crawl into her soft bed with the warm blankets and sleep for a week or two but she was too afraid of what she might find waiting for her in her dreams. 

 

She’d had the nightmare of the dark forest several times in the past weeks, it wasn’t so much the chase through the forest or the Reaper that seemed to haunt her along the thick and burned trees, it was the face of the child she encountered every time, the silent reminder of what she had lost. 

 

The door opened and Liara came in holding a small box in her hand as she greeted her with a smile.

 

“I thought you would like to know that Dr. Chakwas and Major Alenko came aboard the Normandy an hour ago. Dr. Chakwas immediately went to the medbay with a lot of new supplies and Major Alenko has settled himself in the Starboard Observatory.”

 

Jane smiled a soft smile at the news. “I knew he would like that room.”

 

“I’m still surprised that you offered him a position aboard the Normandy after…” Liara left the rest hanging, the whole crew already knew what had happened on the plateau.

 

Jane sighed and gestured toward the couch for Liara to sit down and settled herself opposite the asari. She’d expected that her team would be somewhat reluctant to welcome Kaidan back after everything that had happened so far. 

 

James had reacted fairly neutral to the news that Kaidan would return to the Normandy. Since he was new to the crew anyway and he had fought alongside Kaidan on Earth which made them some kind of battle buddies he’d said. but Liara, Garrus and probably Joker too would

 

Joker too was fine with it after he’d pointed out that pulling a gun at their Commander was against the number one rule of the Normandy and Kaidan should better not forget this in the future. She was convinced that Joker would find more than one opportunity to remind Kaidan of it during their journey, but the two of them had been very close friends back on the SR-1 so a little teasing from Joker wouldn’t hurt Kaidan. And he  _ had _ pointed a gun at her, so he kind of deserved it.

 

Liara and Garrus on the other hand weren’t so easy on the subject, they hadn’t openly question her decision but they seemed a little less enthusiastic about it.

 

“If you have a problem with Kaidan, spit it out.” Jane said straightforwardly and Liara blinked in surprise.

 

“I don’t have a problem with him. I’m just a little worried that's all.” Liara said defensively

 

“Worried about what?” Jane said leaning back and crossing her arms over her chest.“Go on.” 

 

“Alright.” Liara said looking up to meet Jane’s steady gaze. “I don’t want to see you getting hurt again.”

 

“You think he will turn on me again?” she asked mildly surprised at Liara’s uncharacteristic forwardness.

 

“No, even a blind man would be able to see what he feels for you. It’s written all over his face everytime he looks at you, he hasn’t changed a bit in the last three years.” Liara said shaking her head. “You’re not better by the way.” she teased, a smirk forming on her lips when Jane shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Was it really so obvious?

 

“Anyway.” Liara went on.”I’ve seen you after Horizon and I’ve witnessed what happened to you on Mars. Kaidan is your soft spot and I’m afraid that your enemies will find out, if Cerberus hasn’t already figured it out somehow. If something happens to him you  _ will _ snap again and next time you might not come back so easily.”

 

This wasn’t what she had expected and it took Jane a moment to process this kind of information. Was it true? Was Kaidan her weakness? To answer these questions she only had to think back on the way Kaidan had crumpled on the floor beside the burning shuttle or how scared she’d been when he’d stumbled over that rock on the plateau. Yes, she had stepped deliberately over the boundaries for him, twice. Liara had a point.

 

“So you think I made a mistake, when I invited him back?” she asked her tone slightly worried now.

 

“Yes and no.” Liara said evasively.

 

“What now?”

 

Liara sighed, picking up the box she had placed on the small coffee table, running her hands down it’s smooth metallic sides while she thought about her next reply.

 

“While the chances are high that Cerberus might have figured it out and prepares a trap for him to get to you, his best chance of survival in that case is staying at your side. You two fighting alone are impressive, you two combined are...almost unbeatable.”

 

Jane frowned. “You think so?”

 

“I’ve seen it. Your strengths lies in attack his in defence, you complete each other. It’s almost romantic.” she smiled.

 

“Ok now you’re messing with me.” Jane snickered and Liara giggled girlishly. 

 

“There is something else I wanted to talk about.” Liara said after they both had calmed down a bit. She set the box back on the table and trailed her fingers over the surface.

 

“And that is?” Jane asked with a small but tired smile, trying to stifle a yawn with more or less success before she leaned forward resting her elbows on her knees. 

 

“You look exhausted.” Liara pointed out the obvious with a small frown. “ This can wait a little longer. You should get some rest. I’ll come back later.”

 

She half rose from her seat and reached down to pick up the box, but Jane caught her hand in time to stop her.

 

“No No, it’s fine. I can’t sleep anyway. Just tell me what this is.” She pointed at the box but Liara’s frown only increased when she felt the shaking of Jane’s hand around her slender wrist. 

 

_ Not this again.. _

 

Jane let go off Liara’s hand and borrowed both of her hands deep in the pockets of her hoodie to hide the tremors. This had happened before and it would take a while until it stopped. She should have known that Liara wasn’t so easily fooled. 

 

The asari scooted over to sit beside her a look of concern clearly visible in her striking blue eyes. 

 

“Jane? What is wrong?” Liara asked in a low voice laced with worry while she placed a hand on Jane’s shoulder.

 

Jane rolled her eyes avoiding Liara’s questioning gaze, secretly afraid of what the Asari might read in her eyes. She fixed her eyes on the floor instead. “It’s nothing really, I just can’t sleep that’s all. Too much adrenaline in my system I suppose.” she tried to smile but it felt more like a grimace.

 

“You still have nightmares, don’t you?”

 

Something in Liara’s voice caught her attention but she refused to look up to see what it was. Wait..did she just say ‘still nightmares’? How come she knew about them? She hadn’t told anyone, and she sure as hell wouldn’t start now. She didn’t even want to dwell on the subject any longer.

 

Jane reached out to pick up the box instead of answering Liara’s question. It’s surface was smooth and it felt cold to the touch. She examined it closely, there was a tiny button on top of it and Jane traced her index finger along it’s edges.

 

“What’s this?” she asked, not taking her eyes of the small object in her hands while fighting against the memories that bordered of on the edges of her mind. She needed to be distracted, she did not want to face them.

 

“It’s a information device I’ve been working on for some time now.” Liara explained after a long moment of silence, reaching over and pressing the button to activate it. 

 

The device sprang to life showing a miniature image of a Reaper, followed by the blueprint of the crucible and other vital information containing everything they knew so far about the Reapers.

 

“It’s like Vigil on Ilos, isn’t it? An information guide about the Reapers.” Jane asked astounded, setting the box onto the table to have a better look at the holograms.

 

“Yes, that was the idea behind it. I’m uploading a VI into it and if we fail...I wanted to make sure that whoever follows after us knows about the Reapers and how we tried to stop them.”

 

“This is...very thoughtful of you…” Jane’s voice trailed of as an image of herself sprang up before her eyes. 

 

The image showed herself in her black armour looking over something that couldn’t be seen in the hologram. The small figure turned, suddenly pointing a hand in one direction clearly shouting some orders that couldn’t be heard. She remembered that day, but seeing herself ordering commands felt somehow...unreal. 

 

“That was on Tuchanka, wasn’t it?”

 

“Yes, it was the perfect opportunity to show you in action. I wanted you to be remembered like this. I just need to finish the entry about you and I wanted your opinion first. How would you like history to remember you?”

 

Jane wasn’t sure how to react to this offer and finally decided that it would be best if she left the decision to Liara.

 

“Just tell the truth. You know me well enough.” she said smiling at Liara’s somewhat surprised reaction. 

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yes. Just go ahead. I’m curious to hear what you think about me.”

 

Liara cleared her throat and stood up to pace around the small space between Jane’s bed and the table.

 

“Well..I’ll say..” she leaned down to activate a small display, tipping in some codes before she continued.

 

“Commander Shepard was born on Earth and fought harder than anyone else for her homeworld. Due to the fact that she’d lost her family at a very young age she was raised by the Alliance and became one of the best soldiers humanity had to offer.” 

 

Liara looked at Jane once, but she only shrugged and gestured for her to continue. Everyone knew this part of her history, and she was a fairly good soldier, she’d worked her ass of to become what she is now. 

 

“She was one of the most powerful biotics of the human race and a skilled Adapt which made her a fierce fighter and a deadly opponent to everyone who encountered her on the battlefield.”

 

That made Jane raise an eyebrow in question but she stayed silent.

 

“She was a brilliant leader, one who sought peace rather than conflict but she didn’t shie away from a fight to protect the innocent. She was a beacon of hope in a time of despair and many considered her a true hero. It was a privilege to know her and call her a friend.”

 

Ok  _ this  _ was way out of proportion. Jane looked stunned into Liara’s slightly pink face, momentarily at a loss for words as the asari bend down to end the recording and save the file.

 

Usually she didn’t like it when people thought of her like this, much less call her a hero.

 

Ever since the Alliance had found her as an orphan on the streets and had discovered her biotic potential, she had been trained to become a soldier, a leader. This was her live. Her job. She didn’t know anything else. People really shouldn’t call her a hero for just doing her job...

 

“Ok can we talk about that last part?” Jane asked leaning forward in her seat.

 

“Why? What’s wrong with it?” Liara asked innocently, shutting down the device.

 

“First of all,”Jane huffed, raising her index finger. ”I’m not a hero. Second.” she raised her middle finger “I’m not a beacon of anything much less hope. And third,” the ring finger joined the other two. “brilliant is not a word to describe me.”

 

Liara raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms over her chest. 

 

“You are called ‘The Hero of the Citadel’.”

 

“Yah, stupid titel. That we arrived at the Citadel in time was damn luck and that we defeated Sovereign was more of miracle than anything else,  _ and _ I wasn’t alone as you well know, you’ve been there as I recall.”

 

“You destroyed the Collector Base with a handful of people.”

 

“That was a suicide mission! No sane much less brilliant person would have even attempted such a thing! I still don’t know how we all made it out of there alive!”

 

“You haven’t watched the news lately, have you?”

 

“No I haven’t. Not since I knocked out the reporter. Allers keeps me updated for the most part.”

 

“People see you as the best hope to save Earth.”

 

Jane stood up pacing up and down, while Liara stood near the table watching her intently.

 

“I am not a damn hero! I just do what I’ve been raised to do! I fight! That is all I’ve ever learned, that is all I am good at! I have no choice, I never had!” 

 

Jane raged not stopping in her pacing and not knowing why this even bothered her so much. It was just a stupid recording that might be listened to in fifty thousand years from now own. It wasn’t even worth mentioning. Then why  _ did _ it bother her so much?

 

“A hero should be able to choose...I’ve never been given the chance to choose my own fate.” she muttered and let herself fall back on the couch with a frustrated grunt.

 

“Do you want me to change the last part?” Liara asked cautiously, picking up the box.

 

Jane heaved a deep sighed. “No...leave it. I said it’s your call and I meant it.” she pressed the heels of her hand against her eyes. “I’m not mad at you, it’s just the pressure and the lack of sleep I guess.” she apologized.

 

“I understand.” Liara said in a soft voice. “I should leave you alone now.”

 

Jane watched her walk to the door where she hesitated and half turned to look back. Her blue skinned face illuminated by the light of the aquarium showed an expression of sadness. And Jane felt even worse for shouting at her earlier.

 

“Look Liara-” Jane said standing up from the couch.

 

“I’ve been there that night. When you first had these nightmares.” Liara interrupted her and Jane froze with one foot on the steps that led up to the door.

 

“You?”

Jane swallowed hard. She couldn’t remember very much of that night only that she woke up sweating and trembling from that dreadful dream, accompanied by the feelings of utter loss and despair of what she had seen. Everything else was lost in a hazy fog. “You’ve been there?”

 

“I’m not surprised you don’t remember anything, you’ve been…” Liara said stepping closer, ringing her hands nervously in the process. ”I never meant to bring it up again, but since Kaidan is back on the Normandy and you still have those dreams...I think you should tell him about...what happened..to you.” she finally managed to say while her eyes kept roaming over Jane’s face, filled with empathy and concern.

 

Jane was too stunned to speak, too stunned even to think clearly much less move as Liara slowly approached her. She felt a sudden coldness creep over her skin and sink into the depths of her core. 

 

_ She knew! _

 

“You know?” Jane asked her voice shaking, she wasn’t able to form another coherent thought.

 

“Yes, I know everything. You told me, while you cried yourself out in my arms.” Liara said softly moving slowly as if she was approaching a frightened animal that would turn and run at any sudden movement.

 

“Everything?” Jane stepped back from the steps.

 

Liara nodded. “I know that you lost yours and Kaidan’s child.” she said reaching out to wrap her arms carefully around Jane’s shoulders, pulling her into a light embrace. While Jane kept standing rigid and unmoving, too shocked to respond. 

 

“And I know that your revival procedure made you infertile.” Liara continued with a catch in her voice and Jane stiffened at her words. 

 

“I also know that this is the reason why you’ve fought so fiercely for the Krogans.” she sniffed.“The reason why you’ve risked your life to save Bakara and took the bullet that was meant for her.” 

 

Jane felt something wet against her neck, but still wasn’t able to respond as Liara kept unraveling the truth behind her decisions.

 

“The reason you didn’t betray the Krogans even if it meant losing the Salarian support…”  she concluded with a hitch in her breath. ”Isn’t that right?”

 

Jane lightly dipped her head in a nod, she slowly moved her arms around Liara’s back to finally return her friend’s embrace.

 

“Don’t tell anyone.” she whispered against the other woman’s slightly shaking shoulder.

 

Her own eyes stayed dry while Liara continued to sob. She had no tears left to cry for her loss, she’d already shed them that night when Liara had found her. She still didn’t remember everything, but she knew that in her greatest hour of need,  _ someone _ had been there to comfort her.

 

“I won’t tell anyone, but don’t you think Kaidan would like to know?” Liara sobbed, taking in a deep shaking breath.

 

“I can’t.” she said in a surprisingly steady voice. “This is my burden not his.”

 

She trusted Liara with her live and she knew that she would keep her secret and she felt a sudden overwhelming feeling of gratitude toward her friend.

 

“What good will it do? It will only hurt him, and there is nothing we can do to change the past….” she continued in the same steady almost emotionless voice. “Maybe one day. When this is all over and we have a future to look forward to. I’ll tell him of the child that never was and never will be, but now is not the time.” 

 

Jane concentrated on her breathing and focused on the waves of empathy that emanated from Liara’s slowly rising biotics and on a sudden impulse, triggered by Liara’s energy, she exhaled deeply and let go of something she hadn’t even realised she’d held on to. 

 

It felt like a tight knot inside her chest slowly began to unravel itself, it still hurt like hell but it became more bearable the longer she stood like this, looked in her friend’s embrace. 

 

Jane closed her eyes feeling her own energy respond to Liara’s, the gentle waves of sadness and loss roll through her veins deriving from the seemingly endless ocean of grief that nestled deep inside her heart, but it felt softer this time. As if the sharp edges that caused her to bleed had been burnished to a more subtle throbbing.  

 

Liara didn’t speak, she simply nodded in silent understanding as she slowly pulled away, brushing away the tears that had travelled down her cheeks. 

 

Jane noticed that they both were bathed in a soft blue light that flickered and danced around their skin and light up brightly wherever they’ve touched. 

 

The only person she’d ever shared such a connection with was Kaidan, but then, she’d never let anyone else close enough for this to happen.

 

Liara smiled softly at Jane’s slightly puzzled expression and reached for Jane’s hands squeezing them tightly with her own and letting a trickle of energy jump between them.

 

“Thank you..” the asari said smiling despite her tears and Jane didn’t quite follow.

 

“For what?” she asked in surprise.

 

“For sharing these feelings with me. I understand now what you’ve been through.” Liara said sniffling and rubbing one sleeve over her eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> I just plunged into the story, hope it didn't go to bad.


End file.
